Why we're not so popular in our neighborhood

My neighbor sent me this picture of Corky, taking a nap in her sink.

Best of 2005

Time once again to reflect and compile the official

Big Sandy Bottom Best of....list!

Here are some of mine. The usual caveat applies: these are just some things I ENJOYED in 2005, they may not necessarily be things that were RELEASED in 2005. Please post your comments and own lists! We want to hear about your own bests (and worsts) also!

BEST READS:

The Dogs of Babel
The haunting story of a distraught husband seeking clues from the family dog, who happens to be the only witness to his wife's mysterious death. Weird but truly unforgettable.

Skeletons on the Zahara

This is a great book to read if you are feeling sorry for yourself. Next time you think you have a tough life, consider how much worse it could be. Like you could be one the men in this (true) story whose boat shipwrecks off the coast of Africa. Sold into slavery, beaten and forced to trek across the desert for several months, naked with only the occasional sip of camel milk for sustenance, most of the unfortunate wretches die and frankly they may have been the lucky ones.

The Great Influenza
I won't go into a great deal of comment on this one, since it's covered in a previous entry. (see below, "George Bush and I are reading the same book.")
Word of caution: do not read this book if you are a hypochondriac.

BEST CURE FOR INSOMNIA:
Guns, Germs and Steel

As part of my non-fiction reading kick this year, I picked up this gargantuan history of, well, everything. All I can say is, if you're having trouble sleeping, pick up this baby and I guarantee you'll be fast asleep within 5 pages.

MEAL OF THE YEAR:
Gosh, it's so hard to choose... I mean, nothing comes immediately to mind, except-oh! wait a minute!

Ivy's birthday meal at Ciao Bella in Ben Lomond.
Let's just say that I made a mistake, okay? How was I to know that our meal would be eaten next to a stripper pole-included stage whilst a nearly naked man dangled his private parts in our faces? Do you honestly think I would've chosen that on purpose? Give me a break! It was a mistake people!

MOST FRUSTRATINGLY AWESOME TV SHOW:
Lost.
Crap, this show has me in its grip and it pisses me off! Every frickin' week I tune in to get some clues to the mystery surrounding this island and its castaways and every frickin' week they just throw more mysteries in there. And yet I never miss a show and I spend every Thursday through Wednesday afternoon obsessively trolling the "spoiler" boards for info. Sigh.

GUILTY PLEASURE TV SHOW:
Laguna Beach.
I know, sad isn't it? Why the hell should I care about stupid Talen and Kristin and the rest of those spoiled rich kids? And yet Olivia and I tuned it in every Monday night, and we can't wait for next season with LC's little sister!

CAT OF THE YEAR:
Stubby.
Despite heavy lobbying by Dempsey, I've decided to give this year's award to Stubby, mostly because I missed him so much when he ran away.

HUSBAND OF THE YEAR:
Eric.

For lots of reasons, but the one that stands out is his yeoman trip to see Jason Mraz in concert with Olivia and her friends Kelly and Hannah. Mr. Mraz is NOT a favorite of Eric's. Neither are crowds or trips with three giggly teenage girls wearing pink shirts with the word "GEEK" emblazoned on them. Oh, and he probably doesn't really enjoy being in SF at a nightclub until 12:30 a.m. on a work night OR driving some of the aforementioned teenage girls to Walnut Creek after the show. And yet, when I had to bow out, due to election committments, Eric stepped up. And I hardly had to beg him! What a guy....

ANTI-POPE OF THE YEAR:
Poppy.

Major Award Alert!

Actually, two to report:

Prive Hair Products, ARV $165

and

AHAVA Dead Sea Products, ARV $205

We will be looking pretty around here!

Olivia and Mike at Winter Formal

Here's a great photo of Oli and Mike, at the Winter Formal! Please admire the dress, as it cost an arm and a leg...

Which Josh?

Olivia, Eric and I went to see "The Laramie Project" at Coastal Rep tonight...it was a very good show, extremely powerful and I basically had to leave via the back door afterwards, because I was crying so hard and I am NOT a pretty cry...

The controversial subject of the show was at least challenged by another controversial subject: Which Josh does Eric resemble?

During the intermission an extremely drunk old lady grabbed Eric's arm and gushed "You look just like Josh...mumblemumblesomebodyorother". Eric kind of laughed, and the woman said "I bet you're sick of hearing that all the time." And Eric just kind of laughed uncomfortably again.

So the controversy: Which Josh does Eric resemble? I swear the woman said "You look just like Josh Kornbluth". However, Olivia says the old bat actually said "You look just like Josh Groban."

So you all decide. Which Josh is Eric the spittin' image of? Please post a comment, with the name "Kornbluth" or "Groban" in your post.

Josh Kornbluth

OR

Josh Groban

Or perhaps you have ANOTHER Josh in mind, if so please post a link or photo so we can get to the bottom of this.

Major Award Alert!

okay, I'm on a roll! Won first prize in some sweep, five DVD's: Benny and Joon, When Harry Met Sally, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Truly Scrumptious, you're really, truly scrumptious...hahha), Die Another Day and West Side Story.

Eric's really excited, because he thinks we can sell 'em for at least 25 cents a piece at the next garage sale.

Did I tell you that Eric sold our coffee table at the garage sale? Our coffee table, which was NOT for sale? Luckily, he was able to get the buyer to give it back.

Major Award Alert!

Yes, another one!

So this is kinda funny...

Day before yesterday, we get a notice from UPS, saying they tried to deliver a package but it required an in-person signature. No clue on what the item was other than the sender was "Parks Production."

Being the OCD type that I am, I immediately went to the UPS site and tracked the package to see what I could find out. Not much info there, other than the originating zip code is Pontiac Michigan. I go to my online sweeps site, can't find anything that looks like it could match up with the tiny clues I had.

So I spent all day today fantasizing...what could possibly be coming to me from Michigan, that requires an in-person signature? I mean, I couldn't just sign the freakin' little slip they left and have them leave the package. A real, in-person signature...must be something REALLY important.

I decide it's a car. No, not an ACTUAL car being delivered. But maybe an affidavit, saying I won a CAR!! Woohoo!

Anyway, so tonight the UPS truck pulls up and I race outside (tripping over several cats in the process), sign for the damn package and rip it open right there.

Are you ready? Can you feel the excitement building?

I won an autographed DVD of Doogie Howser, Season 1.

http://www.doogiehowserondvd.com/info.html

Yup, it's all mine. Who needs a car? I have Doogie.

I am sort of tickled that I won this prize with my writing skills. I actually don't remember what I wrote, but the premise of the contest was "Doogie Howser-the lost years." You were supposed to write a computer diary entry, ala Doogie, that took place between 2004-and 2005. I know that my Doogie entry was dated September 12, 2001 and I know that it was REALLY cheesy, but then so was Doogie, right?

And I don't know how many people entered, but I was in the top 16 entries-I was 15 places away from winning the grand prize (a trip to the Emmys, 500 bucks and some Doogie swag.)

Oh well, another prize I probably won't be able to sell on ebay.

I think it might make a good christmas gift for Dave though...

Major Award Alert!

Received one Too Faced brand cosmetic "Caribbean in a Box".

just thought you'd like to know.

George Bush and I have been reading the same book

How weird is that?

The following is an excerpt from an article I found online about bird flu:

"Katrina hit just days after Bush finished John M. Barry's The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History during his August vacation on his ranch, White House spokesman Scott McClellan says.

Apparently motivated by the frightening tale of the 1918 epidemic, which killed an estimated 150,000 people in the USA and 50 million worldwide, Bush said last week that the military might be needed to enforce quarantines."

Members of my immediate family will no doubt remember when I read The Great Influenza: The Epic Story of the Deadliest Plague in History. Not a conversation was held that I didn't refer to it. I was so obsessed by it that I started to annoy my co-workers also, randomly throwing bits of info into lunch conversations. ("Did you know that 1918 flu pandemic targeted the young and healthy rather than the elderly and infirm?" "It's estimated that as many as 50 million people died during the 1918 flu outbreak." "Doctors were unable to identify the ethnicity of many corpses, due to the fact that victims' skin tended to turn completely blue.")

I'm afraid I may have become a bit tiresome on the subject. But now that the President has read the book, I feel better. Because let me tell you, anyone who reads this book will be extremely alarmed about the possibility of a bird flu pandemic and will want to do something to prevent it, immediately.

I think two factors are key to my own interest in the book, and avian flu in general. First of all, I am a hypochondriac. Yes, it's true! I know you don't believe it, and argue if you'd like, but the fact remains that I spend a good deal of my life wondering if some seemingly mild ailment, like an infected cuticle, will spread and turn into a life-threatening disease. Second of all, there's the bird factor. You all know how I feel about birds. As far as I'm concerned, the only good bird is a dead bird. So it seems fitting somehow that I would ultimately be felled by a disease brought to us by birds. In fact, a part of me suspects that the only reason bird flu is becoming an issue is because the birds are attempting yet again to find a way to kill me.

Would an entire species spend their evolutionary cycle developing a deadly influenza virus that could be transmitted to me? Yes, I think they would.

Eric deals with the tragic death of Nipsy Russell

STAGE 1: DENIAL WHAT ! ... The immortal Nipsy Russell is dead! it can't be. it just can't be

STAGE 2: ANGER How dare you notify me of this tragic loss in an e-mail with a link! Nipsy is worth a phone call....or (at the very least) the effort in to type "Nipsy is dead".

STAGE 3: BARGAIN Sorry, that was wrong for me to lash out at you....if only you knew how important Nipsy Russell has been to me. If I could have been man enough to talk about Nipsy Russell openly and honestly...Oh GOD! please bring Nipsy back....I promise that I will adore him....

STAGE 4: DEPRESSION Shit. Nipsy's dead. I am sooooo bummed out right now.

STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE I thought he was dead already.

From the Archives...October 2003

Yes, I am feeling lazy these days and I'm dragging stuff out of the old Big Sandy Bottom Archives. Forgive me, but I hope you like the following item from way back when Olivia decided to play basketball. (As a footnote to the story, Olivia did in fact try out again the next year and made the team. The team ended up winning the league championship and I think it was one of Olivia's favorite times ever. So I guess sports aren't ALL bad. Maybe.)

Basketball Jones

You could have knocked me over with the proverbial feather when my youngest daughter announced she was going to try out for the middle school basketball team. I have two daughters, ages 12 and 17, and neither one has ever played a sport. The aspiring basketball player is 12 and not particularly coordinated. She’s left handed and a little bit klutzy. Still, you have to admire her courage in attempting something never done before in our family, something that perhaps has been discouraged by me, her own mother.

Like most parents, I could say that my daughter’s interests are a reflection of their own desires and skills and of course, that is partially true. But let’s be honest here—our kids usually participate in the activities that we want them to. My daughter didn’t try out for a play at the age of 3 on her own volition. T-ball playing 4-year olds don’t just wake up one morning and drive the mini-van to the playing field. Parents expose their children to activities they themselves have an interest in. I know parents who deny they ever pushed their kids into sports, or dance or whatever…but they are lying.

My children’s extracurricular activities are almost exclusively performing arts related. Since a very young age, they have acted, danced and sang, played flutes and trumpets and clarinets and pianos…as my older daughter proudly says, she is both a band dork AND a theatre geek.

Well, anyway, so this kid wanted to break the mold a bit and try out for basketball. This was okay by me, as I knew she would never actually make the team or anything. Her stepfather and I threw ourselves into full-on supportiveness, contributing in the ways we know best, him by practicing free throws with her, and me by shopping for the best court shoes. We supported her 100% in her hoops quest, knowing full well we’d never have to watch a single game from the bleachers.

You know where this is going, right? That’s right, she made the team. And all of a sudden, our lives were turned upside down. In addition to the voice lessons, early morning jazz band practice, dance classes, play rehearsals and a semi-lucrative professional career as a model/actress, Olivia was also fitting in four days a week of basketball practice, plus games.

Olivia’s sister Ivy was appalled. One of Ivy’s strongly held beliefs is that the words “jock” and “evil” are synonymous. If she didn’t play in her school’s pep band, I think she would have gone her entire high school career without attending a single sporting event. In the spirit of sisterhood, she came to several of Olivia’s games, but stuck her nose in a copy of Les Miserables through most of the action, just to be a butthead.

I attended every home game and tried to get over my biases against organized sports. I found myself getting extremely anxious during the games. Accustomed to watching my daughters perform in front of hundreds of people with barely a blip in my pulse, I could not handle the stress of watching Olivia and her teammates pass the ball back and forth before several dozen parents. The fact that this particular team was stunningly bad helped a little. Most of the spectators (including me) cheered wildly any time any player on any team didn’t screw up. So that part was good—an encouraging atmosphere to all players…I liked that. It reminded me of Ivy and Olivia’s theatre experiences. In fact, I kept getting the whole thing confused with the theatre. Olivia was continually correcting my terminology, rolling her eyes when I said the team had cute “costumes”; reminding me that they had a coach, not a “director”. There was a lot to keep track of. I learned that in basketball there isn’t an “intermission”, but they do have time-outs. Also, apparently it is NOT good luck to tell an athlete to “break a leg”. Oh well, some things you learn the hard way.

Eventually I got the whole language thing sorted out, and Olivia’s team even ended up with a winning season. She hopes to be on the team again this year so I am busily rehearsing my lines, preparing for my role as a supporting member in the ensemble of sporting life. Hopefully I’ll get cast!

Olivia making a birthday wish....for a new family 

Major Award Alert!!!

Just to make you all jealous, I have decided to keep you informed whenever a major award comes my way.

This week, I received not one, but two major awards: a Braun handblender, and a bottle of Kenra hair spritz. Wow, incredible isn't it?

So most of you know I have a little hobby called "sweeping." Not sure exactly how I got into it, but almost two years ago I started entering sweepstakes online. Although I have been occasionally mocked by my own family members for this activity, they are always the first in line to try to take advantage when a major award is received. And Eric doesn't tease me at all anymore, not since I won $1,000. Which was won in Eric's name, and he was supposed to use it for piano lessons (!) but instead paid our taxes for that year.

Off the top of my head, here are some "major awards" I have won in the past two years:

• Indeterminate number of stuffed "Oscar Meyer Weinermobiles"
• The world famous Pepperidge Farm Goldfish wallet. (as Ivy said, just big enough for a goldfish to use.)
• The aforementioned $1,000. Thank you Jessica Alba and the movie "Honey."
• Roboots. These are so cool, but I don't really have much opportunity to wear them. It's hard to sucessfully wear blue plastic boots that clang and stomp every time you take a step.
• Victoria Principal Skin Care line.
• Philosophy Cosmetics "Amazing Grace" body lotion.
• Snoop Dog Cd. (yess!) Still unopened. Haven't even been able to sell it on ebay.
• $50 gift certificate to Petsmart.
• 9 bottles of OPI nail polish.
• Stila lip pencil and gloss.
• 2 autographed copies of "Flower Power." (Again, can't even get rid of these babies on ebay.)
• Planters Peanuts. hee hee.
• Braun Handblender.
• 30 itunes downloads.
• Disney "Stitch" doll
• Fat Albert Karaoke machine
• Keeblers cookies and tote bag
• Netscape hat and t-shirt
• "Operation" t-shirt
• Kneipp bath set
• 10 week membership to Weight Watchers, food scale, weight scale, 3 weight watchers cookbooks, pedometer, 12 boxes of really yukky weight watchers "snacks".
• Avon "Anew" laser cosmetic system
• Neutrogena hair gloss

I'm probably forgetting a bunch of crap. And yes, I know it's mostly ALL crap, but it's really pretty fun to come home and find some random surprise in the mail. I will give this all up when I win the following : a car, a vacation, and plasma tv. In the meantime, I faithfully continue to enter every sweepstakes I possibly can.

The big downside-I receive ALOT of email spam.

"Why don't you just buy a lamp and cut off my penis instead?"

Quote of the week. Said by Eric when I told him of my design vision for the "family room" (aka Ivy's room.)

Driving Miss Oli....

SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ PAST THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE LATEST HARRY POTTER BOOK!


Yes, I spent the day playing Morgan Freeman to Olivia's Jessica Tandy. It was Mike Parvizi's first trip to our home (yes! I must've impressed the parents!), and then the two of them needed escorting to all sorts of activities. So I drove them to CPK to meet Cari and Carolyn and sat around elsewhere while they ate, and then I drove them to the movies, where they saw "The Exorcism of Olivia Rose". I mean EMILY Rose. Sorry. I hung around in downtown San Mateo until the film was over, THEN I drove them to the Serra football game so Olivia could introduce Mike to everyone she knows.

Not the most fun day, but Olivia was happy and that's all that matters, right?

No, I'm kidding. I didn't mind at all, because I always like to observe Olivia and her friends in their natural habitat. Also, I learned of the existence of a videotape I simply must have. Olivia and Mike told me of a video that shows an eager crowd of Harry Potter fans waiting outside a book store for their very own copy of "The Half Blood Prince". Then a car slowly pulls up to the crowd. A guy hangs out the car window and yells "Snape kills Dumbledore!" and then drives away. Much maudlin response ensues.

I HAVE to see this video.

A touching moment: Riley and her dad, Brian, reconnect after months of enstrangement due to Riley's bowling addiction.

FROM THE ARCHIVES

FROM THE ARCHIVES…September 5, 2003

(editor's note: just like Dr. Phil, I like to revisit especially compelling stories, and provide a kind of "follow-up" for our dear readers. Not a day goes by (okay, not really) without someone asking me "whatever happened with Riley and her bowling secret?" So good news: Riley came clean to her parents, (you can watch the riveting footage of the confrontation on an upcoming episode of "Intervention) (okay, not really) and the entire family enrolled in a bowling league, playing every Saturday night at the Pacifica Sea Bowl (another lie.)

This is one of my favorite stories, as at least one reader of bigsandybottomovitch became extremely concerned about Riley, and called me up on the phone, demanding that I "knock some sense" into Riley's parents. This gullible reader knew that Riley was having some health problems at the time, and thought it was "criminal" that her parents wouldn't support her in her endeavors...

Well, it's finally happened. I think every parent dreads this situation: a friend of your child is in trouble, or is hiding something from their parents and they turn to YOU for advice. It's a dilemma-do you listen and not betray confidences? Do you tell the child's parent?

Last night, in our mailbox was a letter addressed to Ms. Riley Beresini. Most of you know Riley I think. She and Olivia have been friends since they were 4. Anyway, so there's this letter with Riley's name, and OUR address and I'm thinking "what the hell is this all about? Why is Riley using our address?"

Eric and I had a little emergency meeting, because the nature of this mail had the potential to destroy the happy little world of the Beresini family. It was decided that I would confront Riley, talk with her, and encourage her to talk to her parents.

So this morning in the carpool I handed the letter to Riley and just flat-out asked her: "Riley, why are you using our address for your correspondence from Sea Bowl?"

She looked taken aback and then, with much angst, admitted that her parents weren't supportive of her bowling habit. That she had resorted to using our address so that she could continue to receive important bowling information.

What could I do? I told Riley that I would support her in this situation, but then she asked me to drive her to practices and tournaments and I just can't go behind her parents back like that, can I? After much thought, I regretfully informed her that support was one thing, but enabling her was a whole different story.

I have given her a week to tell her parents on her own, and then sadly I will have to step in. I volunteered to be there when she tells her parents.

I will keep you informed of the situation, as I know you will all be very concerned. Please say a prayer for little Riley.

GET SERIOUS. GET BIG SANDY BOTTOM.

This is the official slogan of bigsandybottomovitch. It was provided to me by a random slogan generator, and I think it rocks.

GUESS WHO'S BACK? (back again)...STUBBY'S BACK (tell a friend)...guess who's back, guess who's back guess who's back guess who's back

Yes, our friend Stubby the cat arrived back at our doorstep early this a.m., tired, dirty, wet and cranky. We just couldn't get mad at him when he revealed the reason for his absence-he's been in New Orleans, helping the feline victims of Hurricane Katrina. Isn't that just like Stubby, always looking out for the greater good? He apologized profusely for worrying us, stating that he wasn't able to leave us a note, due to the urgency of the situation and the fact that he's a cat....

And shame on our readers who have hinted that Stubby may in fact have been in New Orleans looting!

Meanwhile, Eric is still a nervous wreck, afraid that Stubby will disappear again. He checks every 10 minutes or so "Where's Stubby!?" and can't be calmed until he finds him. He said he was taking Stubby to work with him tomorrow, but I THINK that's a joke.



Is this the face of a looter? I think not...

No One Mourns the Wicked....

(SPOILER ALERT!)

So the family ( Dave) saw "Wicked" a couple weekends ago. Very cool show, great cast and general all-around fun. Although, the purists among us (ahem. that would be me.) were truly dismayed by the ending. Even though I knew it was coming, I was still outraged at the very idea that the Wicked Witch of the West (here's the spoiler-don't read any further if you don't want to know) DOESN'T die. Hunh? What a cop-out. If you've read the book "Wicked", or even if you've just read or seen the "Wizard of Oz", you know the witch has to die. I guess everyone loves their "very own happy ending." Except me.

Anyway, we still had a great time and Ivy wore her award-winning prom dress and cape (much to Olivia's horror) and the girls hung around the stage door to meet the cast and get autographs.
Afterwards, we invented a new game to play when we go out with Dave: guess how long it will take him to pull out his Terra Nova High School student ID card, circa 1974. This time he didn't even make it through lunch...

Ivy's new apartment. She shares the upper right apartment with Stephanie and Ashley. Pray for the people of Santa Cruz

Ivy moved into her apartment this weekend, after we spent 5 hours and an ungodly amount of money at IKEA. They have a cute place, sort of early Californian bungalow style with crown moulding and lots of weird little nooks and windows in closets and stuff. The neighborhood, as you might expect from Santa Cruz, (home of the fighting banana slug, motto "no known predators"), is a little eccentric. Just for instance, one of their neighbors has apparently found a new and improved way to curl her hair. She had her hair rolled up with empty green bean cans, and empty tomato sauce cans. At least, I think they were empty. Inventive...I didn't get to see how her hair turned out though...

On Friday, I spent another Friday night clubbin' in downtown Oakland with Olivia and Co. I finally met Mike's parents. Cross your fingers that they were so charmed by me they will now allow Mike to come visit us, for a change. I am getting just a little bit tired of driving to the "dub-C" as they call it. This time I brought my earplugs but didn't get to use them because I was so busy being smart and witty and trying to send off "I am a responsible parent" vibes to Mr. and Mrs. Parvizi. Still, the earplugs came in handy in an unexpected way: on the drive home, the girls decided to try them out and I guess the absence of noise calmed them or something because they all promptly fell asleep. This meant that I didn't have to listen to their music on the radio. Always a good thing, especially when Kelly's around.

Most Awesome Wedding Announcement Ever!

Dr. Stan Prusinger, winner of the 1997 Nobel Prize, looking extremely happy at not being married any longer to Rick Turk's sister, Sandy.


Okay, so Eric stumbled across this while reading the Sunday paper, and I just have to post it, because it's possibly the greatest wedding announcement ever!

"Turk-Takeuchi Wedding

Rich Turk (55 years old) and Katie Takeuchi (47 years old) were married March 31, 2005 just days after her lengthy divorce was finalized. Her young daughter was the maid of honor. They got engaged on the top of the Eiffel Tower in March 2004, after a 7 week courtship. They are both glad to have found the love of their lives.

They are semi-retired in Marin, enjoying travels to Paris, Rome, London, Cannes and Cabo San Lucas. Favorites include honeymoon suites at Maui's Four Seasons, Vegas' Bellagio, Tahoe ski trips and even spring training.

The groom has a BA in Genetics from UC Berkeley, and the bride has a BS in Psychobiology from UCA. While pursuing her pre-med studies, Katie modeled part-time, appearing in Sports Illustrated, among others. Katie also attended a doctorate program at UC Berkeley. Rick sister, Sandy (Cal grad), was married to Dr. Stan Prusiner, a 1997 Nobel Prize Laureate. Rick and Katie's marriage is a merger of many UC grads. Katie's ex graduated from the Universidad de San Andres in the 1970's. Rick's ex dropped out of Polytechnic High School in the 1950's. Katie volunteers for a literacy program and for the Friends of the Elderly."

So is this a couple with an axe to grind or what? It's hard to know where to start with this one, but consider the following clues:

"just days after her lengthy divorce": Tells you two things-these two are impetuous, and also she had a tough time dumping her ex.

"Her young daughter was the maid of honor": Presumably since the daughter is referenced as "hers", then how young is this daughter? If her divorce was so lengthy, why was she having kids with her ex, who "graduated from the Unversidad de San Andres in the 1970's?" Katie and her ex were clearly not spring chickens, so...I'm just wondering. I think a pattern regarding Katie's thought processes is emerging.

(also, a quick google on the Universidad de San Andres" tells us this about Katie's ex: he was fluent or near fluent in Spanish, and in order to attend this small university in Buenos Aires, he had to at least have a 2.7 GPA. Remember this when we get to RICK'S ex later)

"They got engaged on the top of the Eiffel Tower in May 2004, after a 7-week courtship.": Further evidence of the couple's impetuous nature.

"They are semi-retired in Marin, enjoying travels to Paris, Rome, London, Cannes and Cabo San Lucas.": well, la-di-fuckin' da, aren't they special?

"Favorites include honeymoon suites at Maui's Four Seasons, Vegas' Bellagio, Tahoe ski trips, and even spring training." : does this mean favorite honeymoon suites? If so, how long a honeymoon did they take? Also, if it does mean favorite honeymoon suites, then I think this is just too much information.

"The groom has a BA in Genetics from UC Berkley and the bride has a BS in Psychobiology from UCLA. While pursuing her pre-med studies, Katie modeled part-time, appearing in Sports Illustrated, among others.": So I find this part fascinating. The non-sequitor about Katie's modeling career reveals a certain self-centeredness, don't you think? Also, apparently, Katie used to be something of a hottie.

"Katie also attended a doctorate program at UC Berkeley." Although it seems she never graduated? This merits a mention, however poor Rick is now forgotten because the next sentence reveals the following: "Rick's sister Sandy (Cal grad), was married to Dr. Stan Prusiner, a 1997 Nobel Prize Laureate." Go Sandy!

Futher bragging about the glory of UC education commences, then we get to this little nugget, which I believe may be the point of the entire announcement "Rick's ex dropped out of Polytechnic High School in the 1950's."

Wow. In your face, Rick's ex! You loser! Now Katie's got him AND his sister Sandy's oh-so-smart husband! Or possibly not, since Sandy "WAS married to the Dr. Stan Prusiner". No mention of whether the venerable Dr. Prusiner is still alive or not, so I'm assuming another "lengthy divorce".

Anyway, discuss amongst yourselves the wonder that is this marriage announcement. And thank your lucky stars for your own little disfunctional relationship, which cannot possibly be as messed up as Rick and Katie's promises to be!

I can save you from unoriginal dumb-dumbs....

Mike Parvizi. NOT an unoriginal dumb-dumb.

I'm the first to admit I've done a lot wrong parenting-wise. I was young when I had my first child, only 21, and quite frankly didn't like kids very much. As a teenager I hated babysitting, and avoided it like the plague. I had no tolerance for the younger siblings of my friends. I firmly believed that I would never be a parent, and the world would be a better place because of it.

So, yes...I made mistakes. Some of them unforgivable, I'm sure. Plenty of fodder for their future therapists to work through, compliments of me.

Still, it's hard to look at my two girls, now aged 19 and 15, and not experience a least a little surge of pride once in awhile at what terrific people they're turning out to be.

Indulge me while I recount the few things I know I actually did right in raising my children.

1. They like to read. A lot. An acknowledged bookworm to the extreme, I read constantly to my girls from pretty much the moment they could focus their eyes. We read aloud together, basic picture books, magazines, Kraft macaroni and cheese boxes-you name it. Until my girls were about 12 and 17 respectively, we read aloud together nearly every night. Chalk one up for me. I think they both will have a lifelong love affair with the printed word, just as I do.

2. They both have a great appreciation for theatre and the performing arts. I can't take all credit for this, as Ivy showed an early interest and talent for performing and I merely came along for the ride. Still, I threw myself into the venture with great enthusiasm and now I have two daughters who have a wide-reaching knowledge of the performing arts world. In fact, both of them aspire to careers in the arts. It's probably not the most lucrative and secure career-goal, and god knows they'll probably always live at home while I support them, I really don't care. In addition to all the wonderful things that come along with acting, like the ability to speak in front of large groups, excellent time management skills, and a connection to a communtity of people they probably wouldn't ordinarily encounter in their mostly white bread world, it pleases me to no end that Olivia, (playing Scout in "To Kill a Mockingbird"), learned in a way not normally experienced what racism in the deep south felt like. How cool is it that Ivy, through appearing in two different productions of "The Crucible" not only has an appreciation for one of the greatest playrights of the 20th century, but also can explain how the Salem witchtrials dovetails so perfectly with McCarthyism?

3. They love music. All kinds of music. Like most youth, their taste can be sometimes questionable. Some of it, I would even consider execrable. Who cares? They love it, it speaks to them and it's yet another thing that makes them such awesome individuals. How many teenage old girls you know whose ipod playlist includes AC/DC, The Clash, Jason Mraz AND the original soundtrack recording of "Guys and Dolls?"

4. Speaking of music, the title of this post comes from a Jason Mraz song called "The Geek in the Pink", and it reminds me of another thing that makes me proud to be Ivy and Olivia's mom. Both girls have generally excellent taste in men/boys. I don't know if I can exactly take credit for this, but clearly they've gotten the message somehow. Everyone's allowed the occasional misstep (does the name Landon ring a bell?) but I doubt anyone would describe their choices so far as "Unoriginal Dumb-dumbs". Take Rico, for instance...Ivy's current boyfriend is not only a Stanford student with the overachieving goal of becoming a physicist, but I'm still in awe (and jealous of) of his expert manuevering out of what was possibly the worst theatrical performance I personally ever experienced.

(It's a long story, but I really think it bears telling: Last Spring Rico, Eric and I sat through about 20 minutes of a play at UC Santa Cruz that had something to do with a Greek mother and daughter working out their differences. I think that's what it was about anyway. It was hard to follow, possibly due in some part to the horrible writing, acting and greek accents inflicted upon we innocent theatre-goers but mostly due to a portly and quite hirsute young man in tighty-whities who paced about a catwalk above the stage through the entire performance. Why? I never did figure it out, and frankly really didn't want to. To make matters worse, one of the characters in the play was a "gypsy" who harrassed members of the audience, begging the audience to buy cheap trinkets. Also, the "gypsy" subjected a male cast member to a full makeover that I personally will never forget. The whole experience was terrifying, I tell you, terrifying. Anyway, there the three of us sat in abject misery, waiting for Ivy to make an extremely brief appearance as a greek dancer in a coffee house. Finally, Ivy and a group of "dancers", (I use the term loosely, believe me), made their way onto stage in a line, holding hands and inviting audience members to join them in their little procession through the scene. In what I can only concede was a moment of brilliance, Rico (who is of Greek heritage, by the way) whispered to us "here's my way out of here", yelled "Opa!", and jumped up and joined the dancers on stage, wending his way right off the stage and out the back door. Whereby he got to spend the next hour...well, I don't care how the little bastard spent it. The point is, he spent the next hour OUT of the theatre and we were IN the theatre. Eric and I spent remainder of the show wishing for sharp implements to kill ourselves (or the actors) with, and calling Rico lots of imaginative names.

As for Olivia, all I can say is her current boyfriend can play the Rod Stewart 70's chestnut "Do ya think I'm sexy?" on...the BAGPIPES. Yes, that's right. The BAGPIPES!



So, no unoriginal dumb-dumbs here!

Weekly Address May 27, 2005

Back by popular demand, it's your Big Sandy Bottom Weekly Address

Yes, it's true! Some people actually miss the Weekly Address. Ever eager to please, I humbly provide the following:

So-what's up here at Big Sandy Bottom?

• Well, Eric fell down the stairs, broke his arm and insists that his doctor told him he was a "sissy" if he wore a sling.
• Ivy attended what I HOPE will be her final prom. C'mon, she's almost 20. Time to leave the prom behind. (Oh well, at least she isn't like her mom, who got in a couple of extra proms via the "five year plan".)
• Bo Bice should've won "american idol".
• "LOST" is the best show on TV, but if they don't give us some more info quickly, I will be "LOST" to them as a viewer. Anyone else get the feeling they're just making this stuff up as it goes along? And quit with the kid-menacing.
• We have tickets to "WICKED"!!! Thanks Dave!
• Olivia continues to be the most popular girl in the sophomore, junior and senior classes, everyone's "favorite freshman." Perhaps one of these days she'll make a friend from her OWN class.
• Did you know we have six cats? How did that happen? Okay, one of them has moved in with the neighbors, and another just hides under the bed all the time...still, if they had to go to the vet, who is responsible? US! So we have six cats, but only receive the "benefits" of four.

bigsandybottomovitch

Okay, so I'm an idiot and I can't figure out how to post to the "old" big sandy bottom blog.

That's okay, because this NEWER! MORE IMPROVED! bigsandybottom will be even more AWESOME than the previous stinky old version... Trust me-you'll be BLOWN AWAY by bigsandybottomovitch. Only the coolest, most amazing people (plus you) will be invited to join this exclusive website.

Now, please excuse me while I try to come up with something interesting to post here.