Ah, the end of another year in Big Sandy Bottom come and gone...It wasn't such a bad one. Overall, I'd give 2010 a solid 6. Both Eric and I kept our jobs, the girls are doing well and we only lost one cat. Which leads me to our first award:
CAT OF THE YEAR
It is with deep regret that I announce our second posthumous Cat of the Year Award. Forrest the Cat took the big sleep this year, after at least 18 years of mostly apathetic catly service. Forrest was a cat's cat, basically a real asshole. His favorite trick was rolling on his back, exposing his stomach and then ripping your veins out of your arm when you stupidly tried to pet his belly.
He was infamous in our old Moss Beach neighborhood. Many visitors to the Fitzgerald Marine Reserve were startled to discover a Siamese cat hanging out on the beach. He forged close relationships with the park rangers, one of whom enjoyed sharing his tuna fish sandwich with Forrest at lunch time. Forrest also moved away for about a year and returned to our home with a nice collar and a new name - Fitzgerald. We let him move back in. I don't know why.
WORST VACATION
2010 was the Year of Unfortunate Vacations. We have two candidates for this unfortunate distinction:
Our Candidates:
Disneyland - February 2010.
This one actually got off to a good start. My mom was in rare form, and at first it had all the makings of a Grammie classic. Right at the airport, a guy tried to buy pot from my mom. (She wasn't selling any).
The next day the rest of the gang arrived (sans Ivy) and within 3 hours Eric, Olivia and I were in tears watching my mom try to manuever through the park on one of those automated scooters.
In theory, the scooter was a good idea. In practice however, it's not a good idea for someone who has never driven a car to get behind the wheel of any motorized equipment.
First she ran over the foot of a woman waiting outside of Star Tours. The woman screamed and
my mom, understandably upset also, cried out to me "Siobhan! I ran over her foot! And she's pregnant!" (Of course, she wasn't).
Then while touring around, she failed to realize that much like when riding a bicycle, if you are looking in one direction you will tend to steer that way. She became fascinated with a severely disabled gentleman who I think may have been Stephen Hawking. She steered right into him, brightly chirping "I love your wheelchair! I wish I had one like that!" The man very politely responded (through his speaking tube) "Thank you."
We left the park at that point, and my mom drove right down Disneyland Main Street on her scooter, just before the parade was starting. So she served as the pre-show entertainment - smiling and waved at the crowds, who responded enthusiastically.
So far so good. We headed to the hotel and my mom's friend Annette and her two boys arrived to hang with us for a couple of days. Annette checked in, went to her room, tripped over her luggage....and shattered her ankle. The rest of the trip was spent trying to entertain Annette's two boys (both of whom have ADD and ADHD) and cater to Annette, who was in pain and higher than a kite.
But guess what? This is only the runner-up for worst vacation of the year!
West Virginia/Pittsburgh, March 2010. Winner! Winner! Winner!
Okay, so even though 90% of this trip was actually pretty awesome, this turned out to be not only the worst "vacation" of 2010, but possibly of my entire life.
My mom and I had a great time hanging out with family, enjoying our hotel view and concierge amenities (including bathrobes, heh heh heh) and generally just relaxing. Yes, there was the "Biblegate" incident (I can't tell this story publicly until everyone involved is dead), but other than that, things went very well. That is, until we hit the Pittsburgh airport for our return flight.
We returned our rental car and headed for the terminal. I was irritated because my mom was moving so slow. I was rushing, rushing, rushing, pulling all our luggage. I kept turning around to see if my mom was keeping up, which she wasn't at all. She would stop approximately every 32 seconds and say "I'm tired. I need to rest. My neck hurts." It was annoying, actually. And then she stopped and said something about wanting to lie down. Geez. Then she really did. Lie down, I mean. She just stopped in the middle of the car rental parking lot and took a little rest. Although it wasn't that graceful. Thirty minutes later we were in an ambulance heading to Allegheny General Hospital. I spent the next week in Pittsburgh and my mom spent it in the ICU.
Thankfully, my mom's "heart incident" turned out to be medication-related and she is doing just fine.
LADY GAGA IS A GATEWAY DRUG
In 2010 my musical tastes took an alarming turn toward the Top 40. I have to turn in my indie credentials...no more Connor Oberst, no more obscure New Zealand singer/guitar players. On my playlist in 2010? Lady Gaga, which led to Katy Perry, which led to (gulp, I can't believe I'm saying this in public) Kesh-dollar sign-ha. Oh the shame. For whatever reason, in 2010 I was into guilty pleasure tunes...Neon Trees, Taio Cruz...if it was popular and danceable, I was listening to it. And I'm not embarassed about it! Okay, I totally am! Don't judge me!
BEST TRIP TO THE MOVIES
The Book of Eli- February 2010
I don't think my mom will be upset if I share that her grieving process for Doug has been slow and painful. This year, she started to recover a bit and it's been so great to see her making progress. In February, she told Eric and I that she wanted to go to the movies to see "The Book of Eli." This was unusual, because 1. The last time she went to a movie was with Doug, and 2. She hates movies anyway. Also, it's important to this story to know that my mom is an EXTREME animal lover.
Eric and I had no interest in "The Book of Eli", but were happy to get my mom out of the house and so the three of us happily headed off to the theatre. Settled down in our seats, munching popcorn and enjoying ourselves, the movie started. I don't know if anyone has seen this movie (I doubt it, actually - it wasn't exactly a hit), but in the very first scene of the movie, Denzel Washington's character stalks, kills, skins and then eats a housecat.
Well. From the first shot, my mom got upset and started worrying about the cat. When Denzel aimed and shot his arrow, she was whimpering. By the time the kitty was skinned and roasting on a spit, she was crying and wanted to leave the theatre. But she stuck it out, and ended up really liking the movie. I wanted to leave, because I thought the movie stunk :) (Spoiler Alert - Eli is BLIND!!!)
Special Runner-up Prize:
Toy Story 3 with Eric, Ivy and Olivia...and a thousand other people all bawling their eyes out...
Best Books of 2010
I read a lot of great books in 2010. The standouts: The Passage by Justin Cronin. One Day by David Nichols. Where men Win Glory, the Pat Tillman Story by Jon Krakauer. Skippy Dies, by Paul Murray. The Wave by Susan Casey.
Best TV of 2010
TV was crap this year. No winners.
TEXT MESSAGES(S) OF THE YEAR:
These are more fun with no explanation.
Kris: To meet Dave? No one needs a wax...
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Ivy: Who would've thought Gabe and I wear the same dress size?
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Kris: Yes, you may get a piercing. Thanks for asking. Keep it very clean, that's no place to get an infection.
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Kris: No B-lo. Jo-jo go to Ho(spital). inducing tonight or tomorrow. Who knows? My sink is backed up up and my monkey is missing an arm.
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Siobhan: Roses are red, glass is clear. Congratulations, so was your pap smear!
Olivia: Daisies are yellow, so is your pee. Dr. Oppenlander's office already called me!
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Siobhan to Ivy: Please look up whether Katey Segal and Bob Saget are related. Also, Carlos Santana's wife's name and respective ages.
Ivy: I can find no relation between Katey Segal and Bob Saget.
Siobhan: Also, who is Bob Saget's sister?
Ivy: He had two - one that had an aneurysm named Andrea and another named Gay that died of some disease.
Siobhan: Who is Katey Segal's husband? Who is Bob Saget's wife?
Ivy: Saget was married to Sherri Kramer. Segal is married to Kurt Sutter. I'm not sure why all this is relevant?
Siobhan: Okay, sorry but we still need to know Carlos Santa is married to. How old is she? And is Ke$ha dating Drew Carey?
Ivy: Carlos Santa married a drummer named Cindy Blackman. She's 51. And I don't think Ke$ha is dating Drew Carey. What is all this about?
Siobhan: Wait, one more thing - is her real name Katey Segal? Was she ever married to Charles Kuralt?
Ivy:Her name is Catherine Segal. And she was never married to Charles Kuralt.
Siobhan: Okay, we need to know the names of all he exes. Thank you.
Ivy: Her first married to bass player Freddie Blackmeyer, ending in divorce after three years. A second to Jack White, who was involved int he "Might Ducks" hockey film series as both actor and advisor, also ended in divorce. she has two children from her second marriage, Sarah and Jackson.
Siobhan: Thanks. And Mr. Saget?
Ivy: Only the one time for Saget as far as I can tell
Siobhan: Wait, where does Kesha fit into all of this?
Ivy: I have no idea. You're the one steering the conversation.
Ivy: Are you guys high?
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Siobhan: Please look up whether Katey Segal and Bob Saget are related.
Eric: When I typed in their names + related, Google asked "did you mean - Am I high?"
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That's it for 2010. Only took me five months to update! I will try to be better about updating Big Sandy Bottom this year. Of course, I say that every year and I never do, so....
1 comment:
Was Bob Saget's sister's aneurysm actually named Andrea???
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