Bunch of Doublecrossers!

boo.

The Tuesday Hat

The Monday Hat

Do you like my hat?

So I'm not exactly sure why, but on Monday Eric decided to wear a floppy fishing hat while driving Olivia to school. And I'm not exactly sure why, but Olivia failed to notice the hat. And I'm not exactly sure why, but Olivia's lack of response to said hat really pissed Eric off.

Eric: She's playing me! You can't tell me she didn't notice my hat!
Me: Maybe you should wear a sillier hat...(insert evil giggle here)

So Tuesday comes around and this time Eric's driving attire includes my new roll-up fleece hat from Lands End, tags still attached.

Eric: Not a friggin' word! She just got in the car, put in her earphones and went to sleep. What a jerk!
Me: Perhaps the hats are just normal enough to be within the realm of behavior she expects from you. Let's go look at some other hat options, shall we?

(Now I should interject that my father has some truly awesome hats, hats that are still here in this very house.)

Eric tried on a series of hats. My personal favorites were the English bobby hat, and the green army helmet made of metal. Although the sombrero was nice, too. Eric and I laugh hysterically, both at the idea of Olivia trying not to to be embarrassed by a chauffeur wearing a sombrero and Eric having to keep a straight face the whole ride while other drivers are mocking him.

Eric decided to go with a not-too-outrageous hat for Wednesday. His plan is to slowly escalate, until his headwear is so ridiculous that there is simply no way that Olivia can ignore it.

So now it's time for me to go to Olivia. I ask her about the hats, and she rolls her eyes and says "of course I noticed the hats. I just figured if I ignored him, he get bored and stop. I didn't know he was trying to embarrass me, I thought he was just trying to make me laugh"

I tell her of Eric's plan and we agree: no matter how crazy, over the top and flat out lunatic his headwear, Olivia will not respond. Her orders are to change absolutely nothing: just get in the car every morning, put on her headphones and go to sleep. When she gets out of the car in the a.m., she's to wish him a good day and go on her merry way.

Of course I opt not to tell Eric this. I want to see exactly how far he will go.

When Olivia gets in the car Wednesday morning, Eric tips his plaid newsboy cap at her. No response.

Eric calls me on Wednesday afternoon. He is livid. "Okay, I must be so invisible to her that she just doesn't even really see me! Three mornings in a row I've been wearing stupid hats and she doesn't even bat an eye."

Thursday morning: Eric wears a hat that looks something like this:



No response.

Friday morning hat:



No response.

It's about to get crazy. I'll keep you posted.

By the way, the answer to the quiz in the last post is "Ivy castrates a man with her bare hands."

Weekly Address May 5, 2007

How completely outrageous does a show have to be for Ivy to gently discourage her parents from seeing it?

Ivy is in a show at UCSC this weekend and has indicated that it is not strictly necessary for us to come see it. This is a girl who under normal cirumstances would be so mad if we missed a show that....well it's never actually happened because we're too afraid of her.

So let's play a little game, shall we? Below is a list of shocking events, some of which have occurred in shows that we've already seen Ivy in, and one of which is apparently so wildly inappropriate that Ivy doesn't wish us to see it.

1. Ivy is topless
2. Ivy shares a same sex kiss on stage
3. Ivy wears a dog collar and a burka
4. Ivy castrates a man with her bare hands
5. Ivy appears on stage in a negligee, toting a machine gun and kills two people
6. Ivy crushes a woman's head with a golf club

See if you can guess the offending act!

Brief Life of Crime
In other news, Eric and I attempted to sneak into a movie today. We paid to see "Disturbia" (kinda good, plus it has Shia LaBouef and I sort of have an innapropriate crush on him) and then decided to sneak into "Hot Fuzz." We casually strolled into the theatre and panicked a bit because a security guard came in shortly after us and asked some people to show their stubs. But then the guard left, so we relaxed and watched the previews...which is when I realized that I'd left my purse in the OTHER theatre. So Eric stood up and yelled "hey! This isn't Spiderman!" and we left.

That was kind of an anticlimatic story, wasn't it? Sorry. It was funny at the time.

Prom Pictures

Olivia really loves her shoes and made me take a picture of them!

Do you think Olivia looks annoyed? I think this picture is probably an accurate prediction of the future-like if you just aged them 40 years, this could be a photo of them at their kids wedding or something....seriously, it even has Raquel in the background-there's at least a chance that Raquel and Olivia could be related by marriage someday!

Cute Couple

Too bad it's not Wednesday....

OPEN LETTER TO ALL MEMBERS OF MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY

I do not wish our upcoming trip to Disney World to be sponsored by the "Make A Wish Foundation".... GET HEALTHY!

Thank you.

If Olivia had just paid me the hush money....

...then I wouldn't have to announce here that Olivia apparently inherited the "can't back up" vehicle disability.

Luckily, the car she hit was her own grandfather's and he was pretty understanding about the whole thing.

Still, I think Olivia's ability to mock Ivy about her driving skills has been greatly diminished.

Close Those Curtains, Dude!

Last night, all four of us went to SF to see "Jersey Boys." (We highly recommended it. Great fun, great music. Just a really good show, especially if you're old and remember the Four Seasons. But even Ivy and Oli liked it, so it can appeal to all ages. Or theatre freaks of all ages, anyway.)

As we're driving to BART, we get stuck at a stoplight. On the right of us are several houses. I happen to glance up and see living room with a ginormous television screen. I comment on it, we all agree it's gotta be a 60' screen, really impressive.

The light is still red. The TV owner is flipping through the dials. Soccer! Wow, it looks really great on that big screen! Flip, flip, some commercial. Still looks great though. And then...

Pow!

Hey, what is that guy watching?

I don't know, I can't quite tell.

Oh good god. Would ya look at that?

Porn, in living color on a 60' tv screen. Really graphic porn.

The light is still red. We are stuck at the light for oh, maybe another 60 seconds. Which gives a person plenty of time to see all sorts of stuff they really don't wish to see with their children. Or at any time really. I mean, yuck. And yet we can't tear our eyes away. It's so horrific, and we're stuck there, with a 5 foot tall penis in our faces.

I bet this guy is pretty popular in his neighborhood though.

Weekly Address February 26, 2007

The Blood Clot Kid, "Ceramic Ducks" and a cheesey Valentines Day

So the first thing to announce is that Ivy's blood clot (we like to call it "Clotty") is apparently just a uninvited visitor, kind of like Aunt Sue. All her tests came out just fine, she doesn't have some mysterious blood disease or anything. What caused Clotty's arrival is still unclear. I of course have been doing endless internet research, which is really never a good idea because no matter how much good news I find, I always stumble upon the worst possible case scenario and end up completely freaked out. My research led to the following exchange between Ivy and I:

Me: Okay, so you know that if you get a fever, you need to go the doctor immediately, right?
Ivy: Yes, Mama.
Me: And if you start coughing up blood, don't ignore it. Get to the emergency room right away!
Ivy: (long pause) Generally, coughing up blood isn't something I'd ignore, blood clot or not.

A kinda funny thing that's come out of this whole episode is what I believe is my first opportunity to make a totally inappropriate joke about Ivy. I know, for a normal family it doesn't sound like much fun, but perhaps Ivy may appreciate that I view her as adult enough to make the following joke at her expense: persons who get blood clots shouldn't take birth control pills, and air travel can also be a problem.....

(Wait for it)

I think this may mean that Ivy will never be a member of the "mile-high club". Ha ha ha.

Sorry.

Eric got me the best Valentine's Day present ever. CHEESE. Yeah, yeah he also got me some nice smelling lotion and a pretty candle. But he got me CHEESE. This is a man who knows what I like.

Further evidence of my insanity (like any proof is needed): I'm planning another Disneyworld trip, for June.

Eric suffered a grievous injury in our garage. He came upstairs, limping pitifully. When questioned, he showed us a large bruise on the arch of his foot. He claimed that while in the garage, he stepped on a ceramic duck. I was skeptical, and asked for more detail on this ceramic duck, because to my knowledge no such duck has ever lived here. A little later, he came back up, proof in hand:

The vicious ceramic duck:


It's difficult to assess the scale of this little beautie from the photo, but it is approximately 2" long. I'm not doubting that stepping on it hurt. It's just CLEARLY not a ceramic duck, but a mere plastic albatross. (Bonus points for those who can name this albatross, it's an animated character from a Disney film)

Olivia's choir singing the star spangled banner.

This is the "elite" group of the Notre Dame honors choir singing the star spangled banner. They have reached near-legendary status in our neighborhood.

By Popular Demand....

I will NOT be posting pictures of my colon here.

Sorry.

Disneyland January 2007

Before I begin this post, I first must inflict upon you what I consider the worst picture ever taken of me. The fact that I made this face on purpose doesn't make it any better, in fact I suppose it could even make it worse. The only other photo I can think of that rivals this one in sheer awfulness is one taken several hours after giving birth to Ivy, shortly after I awakened from my c-section. And no, I won't post that picture. As far as I know, every copy of it was destroyed.

So now-behold and admire:

This little beauty was taken on Saturday January 21 2007. This photo is so awesome that other passengers on board purchased it just because I look so amazingly hideous. Our family delights in making our ride photos really ridiculous and I think I exceeded that goal this time.

So, the trip: Ivy, my mom and I spent the last three days at Disneyland, having quite a nice time despite that fact that midway through my mom got word that her cat, Peewee, had died. That put a bit of a damper on things :(

Other than that sad news, it was an almost perfect trip to the D-place. On Friday the park had maybe 20 people in attendance. Unfortunately for us, one of those people (a man who claimed to be recovering from encephalitis) sat next to us on a bench prior to the fireworks display and asked a series of really inappropriate questions ("So, when your husband had cancer, did he have trouble urinating?" "How much are you paying for your hotel room?") To make matters worse, we suffered through this inquisition only to find out the display was cancelled, supposedly due to high winds....it seemed to be a completely calm evening to us. The next night there WAS a bit of wind, but the show went on as scheduled...hmmm....what's up with that?

The purpose of this trip was mostly just to hang out with my mom, who was in LA attending a mediation meeting for her lawsuit against the Los Angeles Transportation Authority. Originally, Eric and Olivia were to attend also. Then Olivia's rehearsal schedule for "Bye Bye Birdie" conflicted in a big way and she decided to stay home. Which of course meant that a parent had to stay home also and Eric kindly volunteered. Before you get all "awww, that Eric-what a guy" on me, Eric only volunteered once he found out we weren't staying at Disney's Grand Californian Hotel. If that had been the case, then you bet I would've had to stay home because that hotel is one of Eric's favorite spots on the planet. Since we were merely staying at the Paradise Pier, he gracefully opted out.

Then I almost had to opt out too, because my work rescheduled a City Council/staff retreat and I was strongly encouraged to cancel my trip. I played the pity card and told my boss that we were planning to scatter Doug's ashes at Disneyland. I told her this in front of the whole staff, so that if she denied me she'd look really bad. After a spirited debate as to whether it was legal to spread someones ashes at Disneyland (duh, of course not) and a somewhat scary discussion about what would happen to someone who did such a thing, (legally I mean. Could one be arrested as a potential terrorist? Suppose the ashes were mistake for anthrax or something?) Spiritually, well, there were some who felt that perhaps this was not the most respectful thing to do. Although I understood their point, the bottom line is that these people have no idea how insane my family is.

How insane? Insane enough that we took Doug onto several of his favorite rides (Pirates, Indiana Jones, Haunted Mansion) and we even saved a seat for him. What other people thought of this, I have no idea. I myself might've been a little alarmed to see three women get onto Pirates of the Caribbean, debating whether an apparently invisible person should sit on the end, or in the middle. On the Haunted Mansion, my mom and Doug had their own "Doom Buggy" and so no one in my family gets arrested or anything I'll just give you a hint and say that a little bit of Doug will always be in the Haunted Mansion.

Memorable moments of the trip: the aforementioned fireworks - Incredible. Disney fireworks are always cool, but the tribute to the "e-ticket" rides takes it to a whole new level. If you're a die hard Disney fan you will LOVE these fireworks.

As for my required food checklist, I hit them all: frozen banana, Bengal BBQ skewer, mint julep, Dole Whip.

Due to lack of attendees and general good vibes at the park, we didn't find any Disney villains. This was somewhat disappointing but there's always next time.

Ivy and I got hysterical one night trying to change a light bulb in our hotel room. There is no possible way to tell the story and have it be funny to anyone else, so I'll just send this one out to Ivy: it's like waking up to a clown.

Upon our arrival home I announced my plans to build a somewhat scaled-down version of the Storybook Boats in our future home, whenever we buy one, that is. The response was underwhelming, but I'm serious about it.

All in all a good time for the three of us "older girls." It would've been more fun if Oli and Eric could've joined us. We will do a more dignified scattering of ashes here at the Marine Reserve when the whole family can be there.

Next time you go to Disneyland, take a little visit to the Walt and Mickey statue at the center of Main Street USA and say hi to Doug. Because there just might be a little bit of him there too.

Ivy's Latest Acting Gig

Once upon a time, Ivy couldn't shake her cutesy image in theatre. She has over the years played parts such as Shirley Temple, Peter Pan, and Duffy the spunky orphan in "Annie".

But a strange thing happened when she hit (appropriately enough I suppose) 18. Suddenly she was playing roles like Abigail Williams in "The Crucible", and Eponine in "Les Mis." (okay technically I guess you could call Eponine spunky, but she IS a tragic character who dies in the arms of her unrequited love.)

Now we have Ivy, the college years. As previously discussed, Ivy has taken on a number of unusual roles in college. She's appeared on stage in a dog collar and a burka. She's played a topless butch lesbian, a rebel opposed to plastic surgery. In short, she has taken on some really challenging parts in the last few years, and I believe has now completely shed her "good girl" image.

I believe this based upon the following casting news. Today, Ivy calls and excitedly tells me she has been cast in another show at UCSC. The show?

"The Vagina Monologues."

Big Sandy Bottom Best of 2006

Well I think it's safe to say that we here at Big Sandy Bottom are relieved to be done with 2006. It hasn't been the best of years, we've suffered some tragic losses, but I've decided to focus on some of the positives rather than getting mawkish and sentimental. So without further ado, it's time for our annual....

The Best of 2006

(the usual caveat applies - these are merely things that I enjoyed in 2006, not necessarily things that were released in 2006. This is my world, and in my world things don't exist 'til I discover them.)

Best website interchange:
A relative of mine wrote the letter that started this little interchange. I offer no other comment. http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2006/02/inebriated_hill.html

Best Reads:
Pigtopia, by Kitty Fitzgerald. Not since Charlotte's Web have I cried so much over pigs. This is a seriously weird book, but I read it in one sitting beginning to end very late one night and bawled my eyes out.
The Manhunt, by James L. Swanson. I enjoy reading thrillers and this true story of the search for Abraham Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth is better than fiction.
The Adventures of the Thunderbolt Kid, by Bill Bryson. Maybe not quite as funny as his travel writings, but a great read nonetheless.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. Didn't think it was possible that a book about 9/11 could make me smile, but Foer pulls it off.

Worst Read:
It is a bad, bad book indeed that I can't finish. I will read most anything, but I couldn't for the life of me plow through The Shroud of the Thwacker, by Chris Elliot. I thought that I would enjoy this book, because I actually like Chris Elliot and it looked really silly. I don't know how it ends, and I don't care.

Best Movies:
Borat
I'm sorry if this makes me a bad person, but I saw this movie twice and laughed until I cried.
V for Vendetta
Natalie Portman, guys in scary masks, lots of explosions, a not too subtle message about oppression and censorship. Works for me.
Little Miss Sunshine
Great art? Nope. Fun to watch? You betcha.

Best Scary-Ass Movie:
The Descent
In the words of Olivia - "Spelunking is officially off my to-do list."

Best Music:
I Don't Feel Like Dancing, The Scissor Sisters.
THEY might not feel like dancing, but everytime I hear this song, I do. Ask my family.
How to Save a Life, The Fray.
I like this album, okay! Don't give me a hard time about it.
Crazy, Gnarls Barkley. Ha Ha Ha, bless your soul! Rare hit song that is actually pretty damn good music too.
Taking the Long Way, Dixie Chicks. Politics aside, (I happen to agree with them - what could be more American than being able to think and say whatever they damn well please? Okay maybe I'm not so good at putting politics aside), this a great album. Special Bonus: Neil Finn is a guest artist! A friend of Neil Finn is a friend of mine.

TV Favorites
Heroes
Wow, I love this show. Totally replaced "Lost" in my world. Heroes doesn't take itself so seriously and it's a lot more fun. Plus it has Masi Oka, and how can you not love a show with the tagline "Save the cheerleader, Save the world." Only dilemma: once "24" starts up again, I will have to choose between my two favorite shows on Monday nights.
Runner-ups: Survivor. Yes, it's showing its age, but this season was a lot of fun, mostly due to Jonathan, Ozzy and Yul. America's Next Top Model: my guilty pleasure. I know this show totally sucks, that's why I love it!

Why my kids don't go to public schools anymore
Cinco de Mayo - May 6th! (Cunha Intermediate School Billboard , Half Moon Bay, California)

Best Cat
Just to piss Eric off, I'm going with Dishes.

Best Live Performance

A tough category this year. Toss up between the following:

• The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
• Guster at the Berkeley Center
• "Not Me" performed by four incredibly talented tri-school students in Aida.
• Eric's Milkshake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfBarRFGoXI (Insider Tip: If you click this link, and then click "view more by this user" you can also watch a totally awesome video of Olivia and Raquel on "nerd day" during a pie eating contest.

Why I love my job

This is an actual memo I received here at work. Names have been removed. Typos have not.


"The mayor has requested that the quality of toilet paper be improved. Please immediately purchase and begin using a better quality of toilet paper to ensure that the quality of life for all employees is improved. Feel free to send the remaining poor quality toilet peper to storage for our next City auction. The mayor also commented on the poor quality of paper towels. Please order a better quality of paper towels also. Thanks for your help."

Leaving' on a Jet Plane....(apologies for the weird formatting, I had some trouble with the photos)

Last night, as I was purchasing a dozen mini-slinkies for a ransom payment for Olivia's toy airplane, I had a moment where I thought "is it just my family? Why do these weird things happen to us? Do we put something out into the karmic universe that sends weird stuff our way?"

Because, honestly...have YOU ever had to purchase a dozen mini-slinkies to meet ransom demands of any sort, much less ransom demands for a toy airplane that your teenage daughter keeps in her purse? I'm guessing the answer to that is no. Probably because you're normal, and our family...isn't.

Let's back up a bit. Somewhere along the line, I think while helping Mike with a school project, Olivia acquired a tiny toy airplane. She named it "Jet" and started carrying it around in her purse. How its existence became known to her classmates I don't exactly know. My guess is that she probably played with it in class or something...

On Friday, Olivia noticed that Jet was missing. On the school's general message board the following was posted:

In my opinion, 14 bucks is a pretty high ransom for a .97 cent airplane, but Olivia decided to pay it. She duly stuffed 14 dollars into an envelope and taped it inside the appropriate bathroom stall. As she left the school, a girl totally unknown to her handed her another note:

Olivia realized (as most politicians and diplomats know already) that you shouldn't negotiate with terrorists, because they are untrustworthy. So she ran back into the bathroom and managed to retrieve her envelope of cash despite the fact that the stall containing the cash also contained a presumably confused student who was just minding her own business.

There's a couple funny things about this whole situation. First of all, the whole thing is driving Olivia NUTS. She is the ultimate insider, always the instigator of jokes, not the butt of them. The fact that she can't figure out who the kidnapper is (or kidnappers, because it's quite possible this is a conspiracy) is making her crazy. Apparently her entire school knows about the kidnapping, and knows the identity of the heinous criminal(s) too.

Also, I find it amusing that the kidnapper feels compelled to comment on Olivia's appearance. So is the kidnapper hitting on Olivia? Or just trying to soften the blow of losing her beloved friend by saying she's pretty?

In the meantime, Jet has managed to set up a "myspace" http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=136679308

and acquired 95 "friends", including the ubiquitious Tom, who is everybody's friend on myspace. Jet has a profile, and even a photo album on myspace. Many of Jet's "friends" have posted inspiring messages. (My personal favorite ends with "Courage, jet.") If you have a myspace account, please ask to be added to Jet's "Friends" list. I myself have been rejected, for reasons unknown.

After seeing the efforts that Jet's captors have gone through, we decided that this little escapade needs to continue. Hence, our purchase of 12 mini-slinkies. The captors have no idea who they're messing with, because Eric and I are already plotting several responses to the kidnapper's demands. I have access to the highest levels of local government. Previous experience in kidnapping items. No life, and therefore endless amounts of time to plot. This should be good....

Santa's Frosty Follies

Part 1 of a special report from guest correspondent Kristina Krow. She has promised me that next year I can attend this little event with her. I can hardly wait....


Santa's Frosty Follies
It's that time of year again when you get invited to holiday musicals, plays and recitals. Many of us have attended the delightful productions starring our extremely smart, talented and good-looking offspring. Through the years I have attended Sue's Performing Stars recitals, complete with an adult red-headed little person who was a beginner ballerina; various holiday shows from This Side of the Hill Players, most notably some crazy one about a Toy Factory; the Spindrift School "Knight's tale" starring my nephew the dragon; numerous Ragazzi, The Peninsula Boys Chorus (actually you have to say it like that: "Ragazzi, The Peninsula Boys Chorus"...you must never just say Ragazzi) performances in malls and at drafty old churches; and even the Urban School Circus with my kid on the trapeze. Hee Ha!

This year we experience the most daring and delightful expression of holiday cheer...yes, once again the Lincoln Hills Players offered us their rendition of "Santa's Frosty Follies" starring my Mother and Father in-laws (who for the record - I am very fond of). It was more than bad, it was painful. It was an assault to all my senses. It was long, 2 hours and 40 minutes of pure horror. During the single intermission Noah pitched a fit, kicked things and said the F-word because we made him go back in for the second half.

A little background before I continue....My mother and father in law live in this retirement community called Lincoln Hills. click here for more info:
http://www.delwebb.com/homefinder/Community.aspx?ID=100007
It's like a resort, with non-stop activities from Mah-Jong to softball, trips, and tap dancing, fitness, golf, tennis, craft classes..just about anything you could think of. My in-laws (MIL and FIL) have been involved with the shows there for about 3 years. MIL tap dances and she is very cute. Many of her fellow tappers are over 70 with one actually in her 90's. Check out the gams on the blue hairs. FIL enjoys singing and thinks of himself as quite the MC. So that brings you up to speed. They love this stuff and their year revolves around when the shows are and the rehearsal schedule etc.

This year we got the command demand for our presence from the in-laws, it was must see, and we must be in the audience for one of the 5 performances of "Santa's Frosty Follies." Have you ever seen Waitingfor Guffman? Well, hold onto that vibe.

MIL and FIL are theproducers of this show, it says so on the program, we are related to the producers of this show. They are way into this.

Our day started with a 3 hour ride in traffic to get to the show. The line of ticket holders stretched through the lobby of the clubhouse and was as long a football field. We arrive in time to get in to the very end of the line as the doors are opened, securing ourselves a seat in the back of an auditorium holding more than 500 people. 500 hundred people bought tickets to this. The program is opened and we see the list of 24 acts. Some include grandchildren of the residents.
There is an older boy along with all the cute little kids, he is awkward and humiliated by being forced to participate with Grams and Gramp in the show, we applaud more loudly just for him, and breathe a sigh of relief that no one asked Noah to be in this.

We counted down the acts. "Ok only 9 more to go until intermission, alright just 8 1/2 more to go. Hang in there only 8 left." There were too many to remember, they have blurred together or have I simply blocked them out. There was Leroy the Red-Neck Reindeer, Pinky and her gang of elves with a Christmas rap; we were treated to dancing trees, that looked like the Stanford mascot, no purpose, they just dancing and elves danced with them, to the Nutcracker. Hanukkah was represented and a nativity scene, no reference to Kwansaa though. Santa, Mrs.
Clause (double cast) were part of the show along with the hosts Mr. and Mrs. Cane - Candy and Clavin. Candy always called Calvin by his pet name "Shuggy". Or Shuggy Wuggy (ooh I think I just threw up a little in my mouth) . We were told at the beginning of the show that the actress playing Candy Cane has lost her voice, so she would only be mouthing the words, and a disembodied voice over the loud speaker would serve up Candy's lines. Almost like watching a Japanese monster movie, Candy's mouth wasn't moving in sync with the words, but oh well the show must go on.

In my opinion there were just too many elves. There were 6 Regular elves and 4 Sparkle elves. A Sparkle elf has a slightly different fashion sense wearing a silver puffy vest and glitter all over. Those Sparklers are in charge of making the high tech toys, in case you didn't know. My FIL was a Sparkle elf named Sebastian. A funny thing about these 65+ year old elves, they all talked like babies. Mithes Clath hath thum cookies for uth in her bakawee. Do you wanth acookie? Lets thneak the cookies. Be vawe vawe careful. Thebasthin, where are you? So these darn elves spend the whole 2 hours and 40 minutes running around talking with speech impediments, and asking about f-ing cookies every 5 minutes. It was woven into every act. I could not believe my FIL had agreed to play this part - he was the dumb elf! Hard to believe he was saying this stuff, and I shuddered at the thought that he may have actually written some of dialogue.

SPOILER ALERT -


In the end we find that Sebastian the Sparkle only spoke with that terrible lisp is because he had a large piece of toffee stuck in his teeth the whole time. At one point I put my head down between my knees and plugged my ears. I could still hear the babyish elf voices, I wanted to scream but got the giggles instead. Friends of this blog will remember when I got the giggles at an outdoor movie, at a very important part of the story, in fact a very inappropriate time to get the giggles. These same friends know that my giggles once released can not be contained. Snorting usually follows, and then chaos and mass hysteria. So it was at the follies, a yawn led to the dam being broken open, full snortage occurred, and much snickering. A lull would come over me for a moment, only to burst forth again with the snort, giggle, shaking and quivering, it looks like a convulsion. I later apologized to the man next to us, thinking I had ruined his experience and he said he didn't notice as he was also trying to contain himself.

Weekly Address November 29, 2006 (Silence of the Crabs)

So November 27 was a big day here at Big Sandy Bottom, as Ivy turned 21 years old...How is this possible? There is NO way she can be 21. Just yesterday she was a Halloween baby bumblebee, drunkenly stumbling up the stairs of houses with antennas dangling in her eyes. No seriously, I think it WAS just yesterday. That crazy kid.

We had a fun meal with Ivy & Rico on her birthday, but this time without the added benefit of male genitalia hanging in our faces.

In other news, it's crab season here on the west coast! Eric and I went to the harbor and purchased 3 HUUUGE dungeness crabs. 3 HUUUGE LIVE dungeness crabs. We didn't think this through very carefully, because when it came time to actually cooking the damn things it was quite an adventure. After Eric suffered several injuries, we finally got the crabs shoved into a pot of boiling water that was, unfortunately, too small. So we had to hold a lid on top of the pot, which was great fun-listening to their little claws scraping on the lid was especially creepy. Also at one point I thought they had finally settled down (okay, DIED) and I lifted the lid and....

....A still very much alive crab reared up onto its back claws and attempted to hurl itself up and out of the pot....

After much screaming and jumping about, the crab was shoved back in and we didn't take off the lid for another day and a half or so, just to be sure...

The fact that the crabs were alive did give us the opportunity to play a little joke on Olivia, which is pretty much what we live for around here. Olivia is incredibly gullible and so for a brief but delightful time we had her convinced that one of the crabs had escaped, last seen heading into her bedroom. This completely freaked her out, because 1. any creature hiding in Olivia's bedroom could remain hidden for quite some time due to the crap all over her floor, and 2. She hasn't ever really recovered from the "bat in her bedroom" incident. When it came time for bed, we had to fess up, because she refused to sleep in her room, insisting that she had to sleep in our bed until we found the crab.

"Moon Town" Rap Scene & Al Gore's House of Persian Cuisine

So Olivia and I are driving (Olivia is now a licensed driver by the way) and she puts in a CD that her friend Kelly made for her. It's filled with mostly really awful songs because, well, because it's Kelly. I love Kelly, but Kelly's musical tastes are just crap. And this CD is REALLY bad. Some of the songs are okay, there's even a few I like, like "Summer in the City". But when "Summer in the City" is sandwiched on either side by The Pussycat Dolls and Rascal Flatts? Something is definitely lost in the translation, ya know?

ANYWAY, so we're laughing at Kelly's music choices (c'mon-"My Boo?" It was annoying enough three years ago. Nobody but Kelly still listens to this) and then something amazingly awful booms out of the speakers. The tune is somewhat familiar, but I can't quite place it...it's clearly some sort of rap, rap of a low skill level though. Olivia is grinning and I can tell she's waiting for my reaction. It takes awhile for me to catch on, because the rapper's enunciation is appallingly bad. (And before you say that's part of the genre-I beg to differ. If the point of rap is to amaze everyone with "mad rhyming skills" - yes, I'm cringing as I write that phrase - and send a profound - or profane even- message, ...it helps to actually understand what the rapper is in fact saying.)

Finally, some phrases start to jell in my brain. The rapper is talking about something called the "Moon Town rap scene". The lyrics are unintentionally hilarious-

• "Half Moon Bay, land of the underdog" oh, yeah. That's right. Home of the underdog. If the home of the underdog definition includes a town in which the median priced home is $750,000 and the kids all drive BMW's and Lexus'.
• "Running from the PO-lice" (emphasis is on the "PO") - totally, because our town police department, consisting of 12 officers, is SUCH a huge presence. Given the nature of my job, I happen to know that at any given time, there are a grand total of 2 officers patrolling our streets. I doubt sincerely that their resources are going towards policing a bunch of lame ass wannabes. Read our local newspaper "Police Beat" and you'll see that our officers spend nearly all of their time responding to tourists who have locked their keys in their cars.

Come to think of it though, I do have personal knowledge of an actual police chase involving local teenagers. It involved one of Ivy's friends and a trunk full of lawn gnomes stolen from the Rite Aid drug store. The lawn gnomes were recovered and Ivy's friend received a felony count for grand theft and evading arrest. This is the kind of incident that reminds us old folks exactly how stupid teenagers can be. It must've seemed like a good idea at the time: drive up to the Rite Aid, grab a bunch of lawn gnomes from the outside display and then lead the police on a high speed chase. If you're going to get a "first strike", do it style I say.

• "Doing 60 on 'The Higgins'" First of all, if you do 60 on "The Higgins" you're not cool, you're a moron because it's a narrow, cliff-top, two-lane, mostly dirt road that has some seriously scary sharp turns . Second of all, NOBODY refers to "Higgins Canyon Road" as "The Higgins." This is a semi-rural suburban town, a mix of folks like Eric's family who've lived here since the 1920's and Silicon Valley executives. We don't have notorious streets here. And if we did, I don't think "The Higgins" would come close to meeting the definition.

Anyway, the song is pretty damn funny and I would be really impressed if kids in question wrote the song as a parody or satire. But Olivia tells me that no, they are dead serious. These kids actually think of themselves as "gangsta rappers." In the song they even name check (and diss) P. Diddy and Jay-Z.

So everybody, let's sing it together:

"We've got something to tell you, Something that you oughtta know

From the 7-2-6 to the 7-2-8 in the parts of the (650) (in case you didn't know, those are telephone prefixes and area codes)

From the kegs at the beach, to the trees (? wtf, nature-loving rappers?) that we seek

Half Moon Bay is the place to play.

Every day I gotta strike up a blaze

Just to chase all the blues away."

So watch for these guys to hit it big real soon. I myself am really looking forward to the ascent of the "Moon Town Rap Scene."

In other news, Eric, Olivia and I had dinner with Mike Parvizi's parents on Saturday. After a little initial confusion locating the restaurant (the name of the restaurant was "Alborz's House of Persian Cuisine, but Eric heard it as "Al Gore's House of Persian Cuisine") we had a very pleasant evening, right up until we went to pick up Eric's car at the BART station and discovered that it had been broken into. Luckily Eric keeps his car pretty immaculate, so there wasn't much to steal. In desperation, the would-be burgalers popped the trunk and found:

A half dozen plastic bags filled with aluminum cans. I don't know why, but this just makes me giggle. So let's give a shout out to Eric, the Recycling King. I've been teasing him about his little recycling hobby, but now I am convinced of its worth.