Big Sandy Bottom Best of 2008

Well, 2008 was a year, alright. If change was the theme of this country, it was also the theme of Big Sandy Bottom.

At the end of 2007, Eric and I set out a series of goals to accomplish in 2008. And I'll be damned if we didn't hit every one of them. (Remind me to never again do this. My goal in 2009-accomplish nothing-except embrace calm. Okay, and maybe keep my job.)

Some of the goals were ones we would have to accomplish ourselves (buy a house, outlast my insane boss, get my mom moved here to HMB) and others (get Ivy graduated from college, get Olivia INTO a college) required the help of our wonderful, fabulous daughters.

By December 16, when the Sea Hag announced she would go torment another city for awhile, the list was complete. Ivy-done with college. Olivia-done with high school and off to college. My mom moved here in June (although we still haven't finished unpacking.) We bought our little condo in September. If it weren't for the fact that the economy has gone to hell, and my little town is quietly circling the drain, I'd be looking forward to 2009 a great deal. Eric and I have decided the theme for 2009 will be "Return to Normalcy."

So, allow me to congratulate my fellow denizens of Big Sandy Bottom, and I raise my glass in salute to my fellow "B-team" co-workers. We did it! I don't know how, but we did it! Outwit, outlast, outplay baby!

And now, without further ado, we proudly present:

The Big Sandy Bottom Best of 2008

Best Man Crush: Eric + Obama=2gether4ever
Eric gets positively giddy whenever he sees Barack Obama. It's pretty cute, actually..."That's my President" he sighs with a silly smile on his face.

Catch Phrases of the Year
"And then we killed a kitten with a hammer..." "Helloooo...I am your neighbor!"

Best Hot Tub Adventure
Who knew Kris and Emma were secretly wanting to be on "Girls Gone Wild"...

Best Books
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, by David Wroblewski . My favorite book of the year, and a strong contender for my all-time favorites list. Take Oprah's advice though (never thought I'd say THAT)-don't read the jacket description, it contains a major spoiler. It's still a great read, but I really wish someone had told me not to read the jacket...
Beautiful Boy, by David Sheff/Tweak by Nic Sheff. Disturbing and heartbreaking books, written by a father (David) and son (Nic) about Nic's crystal meth addiction. As a parent, I identified more with Beautiful Boy. Tweak is a like a train wreck-can't look away even though you're horrified by the carnage.
The Omnivores Dilemma, Michael Pollan. Inspired in me (albeit briefly) an obsessive fear of corn and corn-related products. I love the general theme of this book - Eat Food, not too much, mostly plants. If I could only follow this simple motto, I'd be a lot healthier.

Best Music
Shane Nicholson and Kasey Chambers, "Rattling Bones." I've been a fan of Shane Nicholson for several years, but didn't know about Kasey Chambers. Amazing music from this husband and wife team...Check it out.
Conor Oberst, "Conor Oberst." A late entry to my favorite list, Olivia introduced me to this great album in December. "I don't wanna die (in the hospital)" is my favorite, but I couldn't tell you why. "Sausalito" is a terrific song, too.
Glen Hansard and MarkitaIrglova, Music from the movie "Once." I know this wasn't released in 2008, but I listened to it the whole frickin' year, so it counts. Okay? Especially good when I had my month-long bout with insomnia...this is great music to listen to at 3:30 a.m. and you just want to cry because you're so tired and your brain just won't shut up. Very soothing.

Best Television

Most of the television I watched this year was total crap. One notable exception - "The Wire." My new, most favorite tv show ever... I could watch this show forever, especially when it featured Stringer Bell and Omar...I freakin' love Omar! I'm also pretty fond of "Dexter", one of the few adaptations of a book that is worthy. Michael C. Hall is absolutely terrific in the show as a strangely endearing serial killer.

Best Movies

Not a great year for film, really. Eric and I were just talking about this yesterday - I guess our favorite was"Wall-E", for the first 45 minutes of it anyway. "The Dark Knight" was cool, mostly for Heath Ledger. "Frost/Nixon" was pretty good-and I think that Michael Sheen is a criminally underrated actor. Guilty pleasure movie - "Tropic Thunder".

Best Major Award
Two electric scooters. They're still sitting in the garage, because we don't know what to do with them. But I guess they're pretty cool...

Best Cat
Tough category this year...Should we go with poor Jermaine, left to live with Ivy when we moved to Amesport? Stubby is always the sentimental favorite, but he's a past winner so that's hardly fair. Forrest, for just simply hanging in there? (Everytime he limps downstairs, Eric yells "Dead Cat Walking!") Dishes -she nearly won us a trip to New York in the Purina Happy Bellies Feline photo contest. (Thanks for your votes!) Koko doesn't really do much of anything but sleep and whine. Dempsey's only redeeming quality is that he worships me.

Sadly, this year we are giving our first posthumous award for Best Cat to Corky. That's his butt right up there at the top of the page. Corky was taken ill very suddenly at the end of the year, with an acute liver problem (ever seen a cat with jaundice? Yellow gums-eww) and we had him put to sleep. Poor Corky, the autistic cat. We got him when he weighed one ounce, his eyes were still closed and his ears hadn't sprung out from his head yet. After weeks of bottle-feeding him around the clock and cleaning his butt with a washcloth when he pooped (something his mother would normally with her tongue but obviously we weren't going to do that), he turned into a boisterous big jerk of a cat. He was an asshole, nobody misses him but by the simple act of dying, he wins.

Best Website:

stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. This site cracks me up, and also confirmed for me that Olivia is the whitest girl around. Northface jacket-check. Ugly sweater party - attended at least one. Sea salt-received several bottles as gifts this year. Pea coat? She had one in 5th grade. (And has one now.) Typos on menus? Try going out to dinner with her sometime...This is one seriously white girl.

So that's it for 2008. Sorry for the delay in compiling the list. I've had a bit of writers block. Please post your own "Best of" lists...you guys always come up with great stuff that I've forgotten.

Prevent Unwanted Presidencies!

Title compliments of Secretary of State Debra Bowen, who was the speaker at our conference today. She says someone gave her a bumper sticker with that slogan (tagline underneath it : make every election tally a hand job)...


So greetings from the happiest place on earth. Thus far in my trip I have seen/heard/experienced the following:

• A fellow city clerk entirely too into christmas. This lady was wearing a hideous christmas sweater, on top of a turtleneck covered with candy canes; a light-up Rudolph necklace, tree bulb earrings and a Santa hat! At a conference! I guess someone must've told her it was a bit too much, because today she toned it down and replaced the santa hat with a giant red christmas bow in her hair. And some jingle bells on her shoes.


• I observed an interaction between two women that culminated in one of the women's husband shouting "Bitch, we're here to have a good time so shut your fucking mouth!"
  

And a zippity-do-dah to you too, sir.

I felt really sorry for the woman who was being yelled at, until she berated a young man with Down's Syndrome for not getting on the train in a speedy fashion.

• I rode on the Storybook Boats with a seeing-eye poodle. This dog was totally cool, and may be the only creature on the planet who enjoys that ride as much as I do. (There is some truth to the rumor that I plan to buy an estate with enough acreage to build my own Storybook Boat canal. According to the ride operator, 3 acres should be about right.)

• Eric and I saw just the cutest...well you couldn't really call them a couple since there were three of them...let's just go with the cutest little group of bigamists ever. I don't actually know if they were married, though. Well, anyway, it was a guy who looked just like Dog the Bounty hunter, except his hair was in a long skinny braid. And he had two wives. Or girlfriends. Or hookers, I don't know. Two women, one of whom bore a slight resemblance to the mother on the "Patridge Family," were all over this guy. You couldn't keep track of whose hands were in whose pants. It was really quite gross, all this during the Christmas fireworks show.

So it was a really nice trip. Eric and I had a great time sitting in the lobby of the Grand Californian each night, watching Santa (I swear it was the real Santa) talk to all the little kids. Just really frickin' adorable, it was.

I love Disneyland!

Grand Pappy told my Pappy....

At work today, I was listening to random songs on my itunes. God, I love music. Anyway, there's a couple of songs on there that make me so happy and I'm afraid they are some of the worst songs ever made.

I'm kind of embarassed to admit it, but one of my favorite songs EVER is "Hazard" by Richard Marx. I know! It's totally not cool, but I could listen to this song a million times. And how about this one-even more embarassing - "Waiting for a Star to Fall", by a group that I don't think I've ever heard another song by - Boy Meets Girl.

There's also a couple that totally don't fit in with any genre I'm normally drawn to. I can't believe I'm putting this out there for the world to see, but I know every word to "Beer for my Horses" by (gak) Toby Keith and Willie Nelson. At least Willie is cool...And I have a weird fondness for Jay-Z's version of "Hard Knock Life" (although that just may be the theatre geek in me).

Some other songs on my playlist that don't exactly have street cred:

• Just Another Day Without You - Jon Secada
• Mmm Bop - Hanson
• C'Mon C'Mon - Ben Jelen
• And we Danced - The Hooters
• Runaway Train - Soul Asylum
• Spice up your life - Spice Girls (! Slam it to the left! Shake it to the right!

What about you? Are there any songs that you have an inexplicable fondness for? I'd love to know that I'm not the only dork who turns the radio up REALLY loud when Jakcson Browne and Clarence Clemons start singing "You're a Friend of Mine".

Les Mis and Obama

Came to me via Ivy. This is so cool for those of us who are both Obama and Les Mis Fans!

Yo-GA! Yo-GA! Yo-GA!

So to help with stress, I started going to a yoga class a couple of times a week. There's this cool yoga studio in HMB, right on the beach. My friend Marina invited me to go one night, and three months later I am a yoga slut. Seriously, I LOVE yoga. Since I started attending, I've lost 10 pounds, I can touch my toes again and I'm somewhat calmer.

The yoga moves are challenging, but I can generally keep up, especially in my Wednesday class. It is a "Restorative " yoga class and is pretty much just an excuse to take a long nap while the teacher comes around and massages your feet.

It's the meditation part that's harder. It can be especially challenging for those of us who are slightly obsessive compulsive or possibly undiagnosed as having attention deficit disorder. The brain jumps about, never settling down...in my case, a line or two from a song I heard on the radio will blast through my mind over and over and over again....Have you ever tried to meditate while Grace Slick screams inside your head "We built this city, We built this city-on rock and roll. ...BUILT this City!" Also, some of the concepts of acceptance are hard for me. Even now, when the teacher tells us to "celebrate the infinite light of all living creatures", I have to add "even the Sea Hag (not her real name)" to the end of the prayer. Because I definitely have to be reminded that she, too, is deserving of love, and possibly even a living creature.

This constantly editorializing brain is one reason I don't fall asleep easily. No matter how tired I am, it seems like the second I turn out the light and settle in for a snooze...Zing! My brain is awake and ready to party! I have tried many things to help myself sleep at night. I can't even count sheep, because my crazy brain makes the sheep do all kinds of strange shit, like stop and do a little jig on the fence, or duck under the fence, climb through the slats and get stuck.

This is the situation on the best of nights. If I'm particularly stressed out (and why would I be? twitch, twitch) then forget it. So I've started to use some of my yoga class techniques to help me sleep at night, and the results are....puzzling. Somehow, my attempts at "untethering my mind from the conscious body" have led to an image of a piece of cauliflower adrift in an ocean. I can explain this (sort of). I'm kinda literal, so when picturing my brain, the nearest image I came up with was a piece of cauliflower. The I took it a step further and tried to image my mind floating untethered and of course, there's the ocean.

So now I'm stuck with a meditative practice involving a piece of cauliflower bobbing about in a vast ocean. Naturally, my obsessive brain won't let it be that easy, so I have a little trouble with nagging details - "is the cauliflower light enough to float? Maybe most of the stalk should be trimmed, just to be sure. Just enough so the head stays in tact. But, the water is salt water so don't things float pretty well in salt water? And what about waves? I keep picturing these waves tossing the cauliflower about, sending it on its journey. But if it's way out in the middle of the ocean, are the waves big enough? Or if the waves are too big, will it force the cauliflower to the floor of the ocean?"

Somehow, I don't think this is normal. But hey, it works for me!

An oldie but goodie...

How can we not miss this little goofball?

Yes, we have some bananas

The one upside to Olivia going off to UC Davis -

We can have bananas in the house again! Yeay!

Weekly Address - August 4, 2008 - Nah, nothing much going on here...

Hmm, let's see what has occurred since our last weekly update (May 9 2008)

• Ivy graduated from UCSC


• Uncle John and Lynda Ann visited from West Virginia


• Uncle Jack and Emma visited from West Virginia


• Olivia graduated from Notre Dame


• My mom moved to HMB


• We bought a house (okay, a condo)


• Olivia went to Australia to sing for the Pope


• Three more of my co-workers quit, including my beloved Robin

Other than that, not much happening here.

Sheesh, I am exhausted!

Some highlights:

Ivy's graduation from UCSC was wonderful. The best part for me was the Theatre Arts Department ceremony - a much smaller event and Ivy was, in effect, the salutatorian. We were all very proud.


The night before the ceremonies, a group of us (me, Eric, Olivia, Uncle Jack, Emma and Kris) stayed at a hotel in Santa Cruz and had a grand old time (Despite the fact that we were squeezed into two rooms with a grand total of two beds.) Never mind, we made it work. By the way, the rumors you've heard of scantily dressed youth and topless matrons in the hot tub are...totally true. I'm not naming names, though. After some hot tub shenanigans, we retired to our rooms and Kris read aloud to us...from the latest David Sedaris book. I love my Kris! And my family rocks...

The 3-6 Mafia Moving Crew (featuring a mover named "Squint") that handled my mom's move into the senior housing mobile home park. What a stir those guys made! This was prior to my watching Season 1 of the "The Wire" on DVD, but they looked like they could've stepped right out of the Baltimore project location of that show.

Work continues to be depressing as hell...you know it's bad when the local homeless guy tells you to "keep your chin up." Employees are dropping like flies. I have a photo taken at a work function from two years ago-11 of the 33 employees in the photo are gone now. One of them died, but the other 10? Fired or quit. Things are grim, very grim.

That's it for now. I'm sure we'll have lots of posts coming soon, what with the move, Olivia heading off to college, Ivy going to Europe...I'll try to keep up, but life keeps interfering!

Weekly Address May 9 2008 - Now with Electronic Yodeling Pickle!

If anyone has wondered about my warped sense of humor, please see above link which will take you to a picture and description of the Mothers Day gift my mom gave me. Make sure you click on the sound file too.

Imagine opening that little beauty at work, like I did. Right at the front counter, where the public comes in for building permits etc. One of my co-workers was impressed enough to yell "Siobhan! Your Mom is off the hook, YO!"

I had been anxiously awaiting this package, as my mom has called me every day for a week to see if it was delivered. So when it arrived, I tore into the package right away, saying "Gee, I hope this isn't wildly inappropriate since I'm opening it right here at the front counter." Imagine my surprise when I opened up what appeared to be....well, anyway... It was pretty embarrassing.

In other non-news, I tend to think of myself as a non-phobic person. However, the other day, I found myself chatting with a friend and listing the things that creep me out and I realized-wow, I have a lot of hang-ups!

So for no particular reason, here's a list of things that make me uncomfortable:

• Birds. No big surprise here. Especially this time of year, blackbird nesting season. I've already had my first attack of the season.
  
• Cotton balls. Or more specifically, synthetic cotton balls.


• Anne Geddes. I do not understand what is cute about babies dressed up as vegetables. Why? Why would a person paint a baby to look like a lettuce leaf?


• "Painter of Light" Thomas Kincaide.


• Sarah McLachlen. I REALLY hate her, but I don't know why. I can't even watch that stupid SPCA commercial with all the cute kittens because she's in it.


• Mayonnaise that hasn't been constantly refrigerated. By constantly, I mean for more than the 30 seconds it takes to spread some on a sandwich.
  

Best. Prom Picture. EVER

Weekly Address - April 4, 2007

(ha ha, I have to laugh at calling this the weekly address, since it's been, oh...maybe six months since I've updated. But, whatever...)

Musings on control and lack thereof....
First of all, I'm sorry for not posting more frequently. My daughter and my mother have been nagging me about it. Seems they actually enjoy reading my blog. Go figure...

Those of you who know what's up in my life lately know I've been just a little bit stressed. It's been a struggle just to get up in the morning...Things have at least temporarily calmed down a bit. Better living through chemistry and all that. Plus work is more tolerable, although we'll see how long that lasts. We announced a settlement of our lawsuit. I'm not totally sure that I'll still have a job in July, but I'm starting to accept that the whole thing is out of my control. Accepting that I don't run the universe (my mom does, ha ha) is a hard thing for me to do, but I'm getting better at it.

I'm also starting to come to grips with the whole idea that come September I will officially have an "empty nest." How the hell did that happen? When you spend almost 23 years doing one thing, letting go of it is tough. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the whole point of parenting, right? It's not like I didn't know that eventually they'd leave me.

I'm still sad, though. I actually like my kids. They're the kind of people I'd choose to hang out with, even if we weren't related. It was bad enough when Ivy went off to college, but at least she wasn't all that far and Oli was still around so I was able to prolong the inevitable. Now I have to face it-I have semi-successfully raised two amazing daughters. (I say semi-successfully because I'm not all that sure I can take any of the credit, other than genetic input. They are simply incredible girls.)

So now what? The good news is, I still have a few good years left in me, ha ha. It's one benefit to having your kids early, I guess. Also, we won't have to watch "Degrassi." Our microwave popcorn bill should dramatically decrease. That's pretty cool. I'm thinking I can finally get that nose piercing. (I haven't done it yet, because who wants to be that mom?) But now's my big chance!

So, anyway...lots going on here at Big Sandy Bottom this "week." Olivia is under the gun to decide on a college. She's narrowed her list to 3 schools. We have to somehow fit in visits to all three by May 1. This would be challenging enough, but is nearly impossible due to Olivia's complicated social life, plus we are all going to Disneyland at the end of the month. So next weekend, Olivia and I are flying to LA for the day, to visit LMU. The following weekend, Olivia will go to her prom and then spend the rest of the weekend in Davis, hopefully crashing with Carolyn. We extended our trip to Disneyland by a day, in hopes of visiting UC Santa Barbara. Should be a whirlwind month.

Speaking of proms, remember when you were in high school and if you wanted to ask someone to the prom, you called them up and said "hey, will you go to the prom with me?" Ha! How provincial! If you did this now, you'd be sitting home on prom night. Now it is necessary to develop an elaborate scheme, complete with props. Olivia procured her date via an altered comic book, enlisting comic book store employees to help her out. (I'm pretty sure this was a first for comic book stores everywhere, by the way-a real live girl asking someone on a date....)

Proms are getting more elaborate in other ways. For instance, Olivia and her friends submitted a four-page color proposal to the parents, outlining their plans and requesting that a yacht be rented for after prom festivities. This is what comes with sending your kid to private school with a bunch of rich girls, I guess. The sense of entitlement is strong. And even parents are subject to peer pressure, as Eric and I agreed to the proposal.

Since this post seems to be Olivia-centric, I'll close with a post to a video made by her friend, the always adorable L'il Sherbet. For a class assignment, she had to make a tribute to her hero. Apparently, L'il Sherbet's values are all messed up, since she chose Olivia!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8EpHAtyKm4

Big Sandy Bottom Best of....2007

BEST BAD-ASS


Well, another year come and gone. 2007 hasn't been the best of times, but it hasn't been the worst of times either. I have high hopes for 2008, although with all the milestone events (two graduations!) and changes (my mom moving to Half Moon Bay! Eric and I may buy a house!) it could very well end up the Year of Living Dangerously...

As for 2007, here's my list of the things I enjoyed most in 2007. Please feel free to respond with your own "best of" lists...

BEST. PERSON. ALIVE...
Eric.
I'm afraid I can't truly do justice to Eric by describing his many wonderful traits. So as evidence, I'll provide a transcript of an actual conversation he and I had about a week ago:

Siobhan: Hey, it's me. Whatcha doin?
Eric: Well, I have someone in my office right now.
Siobhan: Okay, I won't keep you. But can you do me a huge favor?
Eric: (warily. He's been burned by this question before.) Sure, no problem. What is it?
Siobhan: Well, at my mom's new house, there's this white wicker elephant in the driveway...
Eric: Oooookay...
Siobhan: And I really can't explain this, but I need you to drive there tonight, retrieve the white wicker elephant and then dispose of it-not anywhere near our house or near her house. I can't stress this enough-do NOT dispose of it anywhere near our house OR my mom's house.
Eric: Okay. I'm on it.

And he was. And he didn't even ask any questions.

BEST OF FILM:
No Country for Old Men (special mention for Javier Bardem's hair)
Michael Clayton (LOVED this movie. Eric, not so much)
Juno
Knocked Up. I think it's funnier than "Super Bad". So sue me.
Hairspray (As a coworker said, "They should just prescribe this movie to people instead of giving them Prozac.")
Gone Baby Gone. I mean, who knew Casey Affleck was so awesome? Or awesome at all?
Running Down a Dream (Tom Petty fan or not, if you enjoy music, you will like this film. I was absolutely fascinated by the details of the music world, recording records, traveling with a band. Stories about eating entire bricks of hash at airports. Stevie Nicks is a stalker. Great stuff.)

Did I mention Javier Bardem's hair?

BEST OF BOOKS:
And Then We Came to the End, by Joshua Ferris. Even though I have never worked in the advertising world, this story of a company going slowly under and the lunatics that work there seemed like non-fiction to me. The details may be different, but this guy absolutely nails the dysfunctional work family we all know and love. If you've ever worked in an office, you know these people.
Eat, Pray, Love...by Elizabeth Gilbert. For some reason, I put off reading this book that everybody else seemed to be reading this year. I picked it up and then put it back down at the bookstore about 10 times. I think I was put off by the "pray" part of the title. I thought the book might be a little preachy. Thank goodness I finally got around to reading it. Elizabeth Gilbert's year of finding God, allowing herself simple pleasures for pleasure's sake and falling in love is the best book I've read this year. Possibly the best book I've read in a few years. She goes on the list of authors I'd totally want to hang out with (list also includes David Sedaris, Anne Lamott, Paul Feig, Calvin Trillin. What a rockin' party that would be. Well, okay...maybe rockin' isn't the right word. But I bet I'd pee my pants laughing.)

BEST OF MUSIC:
Hmm. This year's list is very...retro.
Bruce Springsteen, Magic. My 2nd favorite album of the year.
Crowded House, Time on Earth. Yeay! A new Crowded House album. Boo, no Paul (RIP). But a nice record and as is typical for me with Crowded House albums, it's a "grower." Everytime I listen to it, I pick a new favorite track. Most of the songs are kinda sad-every song somehow seems to relate to Paul. As usual beautiful lyrics and melody courtesy of Mr. Neil Finn. Crowded House at the Saratoga Winery. Amazing. Terrific venue. A full moon, seats close to the stage, music that makes me cry and Michael Lederman (wtf? Can you say RANDOM?) somehow managing to bask in the spotlight after every song.
A John Waters Christmas, various artists. "Santa Claus is a Black Man" and "Here Comes Fatty with a Sack of Shit." Why did it take me so long to find this?
Pink, You + Ur Hand Tonight (Honestly, does everything have to spelled IM-fashion now? Of course, Prince has been doing it for years...) This song just makes me laugh, and also makes me wish it had been around during those young and carefree days when I was hitting the clubs and scamming on cute guys. (Ah, who am I kidding? I never really had those days. But still.)

BEST OF TV:
(Who watched too much TV this year? I did, I did!! I watched a lot of reality TV in particular. Geez, I'm never gonna get back the hours of my life spent watching this crap...)

So You Think You Can Dance. jidges?
Big Brother. I love me some Evel Dick.
House Hunters. I still think Eric's lying about that whole Suzanne Whang being on People Magazine's 50 most beautiful people list, though. Not with those bangs.
Heather, from America's Next Top Model. Totally rocked the assburgers.
James, from Survivor. For saying "every hairy dick...or Tom" on national television and Denise, the lunch lady, from Survivor, for lying about getting fired from her job on national television. C'mon. She's a lunch lady. Give a gall with a mullet a break.

BEST OF STAGE:
It was a good year for theatre.

The Pillowman (directed by Ivy A. Henry. Don't forget the "A.") Seriously, this was a great show. I would've loved it even if it hadn't been directed by my daughter. But it was, and she did a great job.
Jersey Boys. This show is just plain fun. Be ready to hum Four Seasons songs for days if you see it, though.
Avenue Q. The Bad Idea Bears! Cute looking, foul-mouthed puppets! Song titles like "It Sucks to be Me" and "What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?" What's not to like?!!!

Now we have some random awards that don't exactly fit into any category:

BEST MAJOR AWARD:
Trip to Sanibel Island, Florida, courtesy of Travelocity.

BEST QUIETLY MISCHIEVOUS FRIEND:
duh.

BEST GRAMMY:
duh again.

BEST SIX FOOT PENIS:
The guy who lives near BART with the giant TV screen who plays porn while we're sitting at the stop light.

BEST CANADA JOKE:
How do you spell Canada? C-eh? A-eh? etc.

BEST SURPRISE APPEARANCE IN AN INTERNATIONAL CELL PHONE AD:
Olivia and Mike. What are the odds that not one, but TWO of Olivia's friends would be in Paris and spot this (unauthorized) photo on a Nokia billboard?


BEST CAT:

Fuckin' Target, man. I take back everything nice I said about Eric earlier.

Despite my fears....

Dishes is apparently alive and well in Santa Cruz.

Traitorous bitch.

(I guess it could be possible that Ivy is pulling a "Weekend at Bernie's" stunt and
has cleverly propped up a dead-as-a-doornail Dishes on the couch)

World Tour Trip Report Below!

For some reason, the post is showing up as a July 11, 2007 entry. So check below the "Where's my cape?" post for exciting Big Sandy Bottom updates!

Yep, Ivy's home for the summer...

That can actually be pronounced TWO ways...

Well folks the Big Sandy Bottom World Tour 2007 has officially ended :(

It's taken me so long to finish this report that I've managed to fit in a trip to Disneyland in the interim.

I'm happy to report that other than the first 36 hours of the trip, all went quite well.

The Cast

Eric: As usual, Eric played the role of Saint and all around good guy. Official motto: Whatever you guys want to do.
Siobhan: Meal organizer, extremely inept "clubber". Official motto: We must use every last dining plan credit.

Grammie: Ambassador to the tourists of the world. Feeder o f small animals. Official motto: I currently live in Las Vegas, but I hate it.

Ivy: Token OCD traveler. Official motto: Perhaps I've outgrown traveling with my family.
Olivia: Rave lovin' teen. Motto: Jarjarjarjar. Snark Snark Snark.

Riley: Quietly mischievous friend. Official motto: Can't I just have some chicken nuggets? Alternate official motto: I know a good "Canada" joke.

The Good:

Our room at Disney's Saratoga Springs.

We rented points from a Disney Vacation Club member, which made me a little nervous...you have to put total trust in the DVC member. Disney doesn't allow someone renting points to even call the resort and confirm a reservation. So basically you send a bunch of money to someone you don't know and hope for the best. In our case it worked perfectly. As for the room, we had a two bedroom villa in the "Congress Park" section of the resort. The room was really nice, and a great size. There was a "master" bedroom, with a king size bed, jacuzzi tub and separate shower. The living room was a decent size, with a balcony. There was a full kitchen and a washer and dryer. There was a queen size sofa bed, which my mom slept on. The second bedroom had two queen size beds and another bathroom with a separate vanity area. This was the area we called the children's wing. Since we were in Disneyworld, the obvious parallel was the nursery in "Peter Pan." It was great, because there was a door between the children's wing and the rest of the place and you literally couldn't hear anything from there when that door was shut. (not even a rave. Yes, one night a very brief rave was held in the children's wing. It lasted about 40 seconds and came complete with pulsing lights, music, glowing drink cubes and one extremely pissed off Ivy, who I fear much like Wendy in "Peter Pan" has grown too old to sleep in the nursery.)

Our room location was good-pretty close to the bus stop and a pool that overlooked Downtown Disney. There was a walkway to Downtown Disney, so we were able to walk there in about 10 minutes.

The Company
This was a good travel group. Everyone was in a decent mood for most of the trip. Having Riley along helped with the sibling bickering. My mom made at least 101 friends. (We know this because two days in we started keeping count of every conversation she had with a stranger.) I did a fairly good job of keeping my obsessive vacation planning in check. (Don't worry though-we had plenty of obsessive behavior anyway, due to Ivy deciding to visit every single attraction in every single park, clutching a map and pen and marking everything off one by one.)

At the end of the trip, Ivy and my mom got a little snippy with each other and my mom almost paid $400 to upgrade to first class on the plane trip home just to avoid Ivy. Luckily,cooler heads prevailed and the two of them kissed and made up.

The Disney Dining Plan.
I'm not sure that we "saved" any money by using the Disney Dining Plan, but I do believe we at least broke even. We would've definitely come out ahead, except for the fact that Riley eats about 8 teaspoons of food a day. At the end of day 3, the poor kid swore she was never going to eat out again. It's possible that she ate more food on this trip than she has consumed the entire rest of her life.

The best part of the Dining Plan was not having to dole out money to folks. Since the DDP works in "credits" rather than $$$, all you needed was your room key. You ordered your food, presented your room key and the "meal credit" was deducted from our account. 8 days= 8 counter service meals, 8 table service meals and 8 snacks per person. Our park tickets were linked to the room keys also, so as long as you had your room key you could go to a park, eat and of course, get back into the room :)

Being on the DDP meant that we ate lavishly without worrying about money. When we ate at the California Grill in the Contempory Resort Hotel, our bill would've been over $500. A more typical dinner was probably between 250-300 dollars. Would we have ordered as much food if we were paying cash out of pocket? Probably not, but it sure was nice ordering whatever you wanted regardless of the cost. Add in the "counter service" meals and snacks and I figure the Disney Dining Plan was a good deal for us.

The Bad:

Florida weather.
Way too hot and humid. How people live in that place is beyond me.

The crowds.

I will never visit Disneyworld in the summer again.

The Ugly:

Coronado Springs Resort.

In order to save some $$$ on our lodging, I booked two rooms at the Coronado Springs Resort for our first night. Since we weren't going to arrive until around 7:00 p.m. , I thought it made sense to book cheaper digs that night and then move to Saratoga Springs the next day. I was wrong. While the resort grounds were pretty, the furniture wasn't. The rooms were about what you'd expect from a bargain motel. The food court offerings were mediocre and very expensive.

There was a convention of deaf families staying there, so that was kind of cool. Kind of quiet, too. haha.

I wouldn't recommend this place. I think it probably cost about $50 less to stay there than at Saratoga Springs. Given the hassle and amount of time it took to move the next day, it was definitely not worth it.

Transportation
We spent way too much time on transportation, and I'm not including my customary, first day transportation around the world field trip. The transportation at Saratoga Springs was lacking. There weren't enough busses, particularly in the evenings coming back to the resort. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope that Disney would throw a few extra busses into the schedule when a park closes. Waiting 20 minutes for a bus wasn't bad at the beginning of the day. At midnight it was really a pain and it totally sucked to have to stand on most of the trips.

The trip from Coronado Springs to Saratoga Springs.
Really mean bus driver+person who doesn't know which bus stop leads to the registration desk+someone who has to pee+someone who keeps trying to take a photo of someone who has to pee=90 minutes of hell.

A Heart-shaped blister

Eric purchased a pair of sandals before we left that were approximately 4 sizes too small for him. He stoically limped around for two days before finally revealing some of the most hideous blisters I have ever seen in my life. Although the heart-shaped one was kind of cool. Eric spent the last few days of the trip wearing black Mickey Mouse crocs and exclaiming "Oh my god, my feet feel so good!"

Official Big Sandy Bottom 2007 World Tour Quiz

How many friends did my mom make in Disneyworld?
1. 10
2. 26

3. At least 101

What item caused Olivia to bolt in terror from a monorail car?
1. Used condom
2. Dirty diaper
3. A banana

True/False:
Light up drink cubes are a good idea.

Essay question: How many correct pronounciations are there of the French word "ratatouille?" Do you think it matters?

Just in case you haven't seen this....

...it's pretty cute:

http://intermountainlive.org/Pages/home.aspx
Click on the clip titled "In Love"...

Weekly Address June 11, 2007 (Freeeeeebiiirrrrd!)

• Why does everyone yell "Freebird" at concerts? I mean, so do I...I just want to know why? Beginning with Andy Gibb - (I was 13, give me a break) - at every concert I've ever attended, at middle school band concerts for gods sake, people who've never even heard of Lynard Skynard scream "Freebird" during the song intervals. I demand an explanation.
  

• Irony: Ivy purchased a car and got a "good driver" discount on her insurance.
  

• Is it too much to expect that at the very least, a boss shouldn't be certifiably insane? Is that just too high a bar to set?
  

• A local resident sent an irate letter to the city and hinted that I am a "possibly disobedient executive city staff member." Possibly disobedient? Somehow I'm more offended by the "possibly" than anything else in the letter. What a rebel I am.
  

• I laughed at my mom's "real age" (realage.com) until I took the quiz and it said my "real age" is 52. Suddenly it's not so funny anymore...

• I don't understand why my family hasn't enthusiastically embraced my plan for a wacky scavenger hunt during our upcoming Disney World trip. (quoth Olivia: "You do know we're going with family, not a church group, right?")

• It's official: we have too many cats.

• Major Award Alert: I won a trip to Sanibel Island, FL. Most of you already know, but I forgot to give this announcement the Major Award Alert it deserves.

• RIP Veronica Mars. :(
  

• Speaking of Veronica Mars, I was perplexed to learn that Ivy tells all her friends that I am the "Veronica Mars" of my generation. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. But perplexed nonetheless.

Big Sandy Bottom is abuzz with vacation preparations. I'm still not exactly how sure how our trip costs morphed from "practically free" to "roughly the GNP of a third world nation." (Full disclosure: I actually DO know, but in case Eric reads this, I'm going with feigned shock.)

We're going to have a great time though. Here's a list of only SOME of the reasons we're going to have the best trip ever:

1. We're celebrating my mom's 65th (or 82nd) birthday.
2. We're celebrating my 43rd (or 52nd) birthday.
3. This time we have a secret plan to keep Ivy hydrated. It may or may not involve syringes. I'm not allowed to talk about it.
4. C-PAPs on Parade!
5. Wacky scavenger hunt. (see above).

Bunch of Doublecrossers!

boo.

The Tuesday Hat