Best of Big Sandy Bottom 2010*

*Due to a lack of a 2009 edition, some of the awards may actually be for 2009 events. Sorry.


Ah, the end of another year in Big Sandy Bottom come and gone...It wasn't such a bad one. Overall, I'd give 2010 a solid 6. Both Eric and I kept our jobs, the girls are doing well and we only lost one cat. Which leads me to our first award:


CAT OF THE YEAR


It is with deep regret that I announce our second posthumous Cat of the Year Award. Forrest the Cat took the big sleep this year, after at least 18 years of mostly apathetic catly service. Forrest was a cat's cat, basically a real asshole. His favorite trick was rolling on his back, exposing his stomach and then ripping your veins out of your arm when you stupidly tried to pet his belly.

He was infamous in our old Moss Beach neighborhood. Many visitors to the Fitzgerald Marine Reserve were startled to discover a Siamese cat hanging out on the beach. He forged close relationships with the park rangers, one of whom enjoyed sharing his tuna fish sandwich with Forrest at lunch time. Forrest also moved away for about a year and returned to our home with a nice collar and a new name - Fitzgerald. We let him move back in. I don't know why.

WORST VACATION

2010 was the Year of Unfortunate Vacations. We have two candidates for this unfortunate distinction:

Our Candidates:

Disneyland - February 2010.
This one actually got off to a good start. My mom was in rare form, and at first it had all the makings of a Grammie classic. Right at the airport, a guy tried to buy pot from my mom. (She wasn't selling any).

The next day the rest of the gang arrived (sans Ivy) and within 3 hours Eric, Olivia and I were in tears watching my mom try to manuever through the park on one of those automated scooters.


In theory, the scooter was a good idea. In practice however, it's not a good idea for someone who has never driven a car to get behind the wheel of any motorized equipment.

First she ran over the foot of a woman waiting outside of Star Tours. The woman screamed and
my mom, understandably upset also, cried out to me "Siobhan! I ran over her foot! And she's pregnant!" (Of course, she wasn't).

Then while touring around, she failed to realize that much like when riding a bicycle, if you are looking in one direction you will tend to steer that way. She became fascinated with a severely disabled gentleman who I think may have been Stephen Hawking. She steered right into him, brightly chirping "I love your wheelchair! I wish I had one like that!" The man very politely responded (through his speaking tube) "Thank you."

We left the park at that point, and my mom drove right down Disneyland Main Street on her scooter, just before the parade was starting. So she served as the pre-show entertainment - smiling and waved at the crowds, who responded enthusiastically.

So far so good. We headed to the hotel and my mom's friend Annette and her two boys arrived to hang with us for a couple of days. Annette checked in, went to her room, tripped over her luggage....and shattered her ankle. The rest of the trip was spent trying to entertain Annette's two boys (both of whom have ADD and ADHD) and cater to Annette, who was in pain and higher than a kite.

But guess what? This is only the runner-up for worst vacation of the year!

West Virginia/Pittsburgh, March 2010. Winner! Winner! Winner!
Okay, so even though 90% of this trip was actually pretty awesome, this turned out to be not only the worst "vacation" of 2010, but possibly of my entire life.

My mom and I had a great time hanging out with family, enjoying our hotel view and concierge amenities (including bathrobes, heh heh heh) and generally just relaxing. Yes, there was the "Biblegate" incident (I can't tell this story publicly until everyone involved is dead), but other than that, things went very well. That is, until we hit the Pittsburgh airport for our return flight.

We returned our rental car and headed for the terminal. I was irritated because my mom was moving so slow. I was rushing, rushing, rushing, pulling all our luggage. I kept turning around to see if my mom was keeping up, which she wasn't at all. She would stop approximately every 32 seconds and say "I'm tired. I need to rest. My neck hurts." It was annoying, actually. And then she stopped and said something about wanting to lie down. Geez. Then she really did. Lie down, I mean. She just stopped in the middle of the car rental parking lot and took a little rest. Although it wasn't that graceful. Thirty minutes later we were in an ambulance heading to Allegheny General Hospital. I spent the next week in Pittsburgh and my mom spent it in the ICU.

Thankfully, my mom's "heart incident" turned out to be medication-related and she is doing just fine.


LADY GAGA IS A GATEWAY DRUG
In 2010 my musical tastes took an alarming turn toward the Top 40. I have to turn in my indie credentials...no more Connor Oberst, no more obscure New Zealand singer/guitar players. On my playlist in 2010? Lady Gaga, which led to Katy Perry, which led to (gulp, I can't believe I'm saying this in public) Kesh-dollar sign-ha. Oh the shame. For whatever reason, in 2010 I was into guilty pleasure tunes...Neon Trees, Taio Cruz...if it was popular and danceable, I was listening to it. And I'm not embarassed about it! Okay, I totally am! Don't judge me!

BEST TRIP TO THE MOVIES
The Book of Eli- February 2010

I don't think my mom will be upset if I share that her grieving process for Doug has been slow and painful. This year, she started to recover a bit and it's been so great to see her making progress. In February, she told Eric and I that she wanted to go to the movies to see "The Book of Eli." This was unusual, because 1. The last time she went to a movie was with Doug, and 2. She hates movies anyway. Also, it's important to this story to know that my mom is an EXTREME animal lover.


Eric and I had no interest in "The Book of Eli", but were happy to get my mom out of the house and so the three of us happily headed off to the theatre. Settled down in our seats, munching popcorn and enjoying ourselves, the movie started. I don't know if anyone has seen this movie (I doubt it, actually - it wasn't exactly a hit), but in the very first scene of the movie, Denzel Washington's character stalks, kills, skins and then eats a housecat.


Well. From the first shot, my mom got upset and started worrying about the cat. When Denzel aimed and shot his arrow, she was whimpering. By the time the kitty was skinned and roasting on a spit, she was crying and wanted to leave the theatre. But she stuck it out, and ended up really liking the movie. I wanted to leave, because I thought the movie stunk :) (Spoiler Alert - Eli is BLIND!!!)

Special Runner-up Prize:
Toy Story 3 with Eric, Ivy and Olivia...and a thousand other people all bawling their eyes out...

Best Books of 2010
I read a lot of great books in 2010. The standouts: The Passage by Justin Cronin. One Day by David Nichols. Where men Win Glory, the Pat Tillman Story by Jon Krakauer. Skippy Dies, by Paul Murray. The Wave by Susan Casey.

Best TV of 2010
TV was crap this year. No winners.

TEXT MESSAGES(S) OF THE YEAR:
These are more fun with no explanation.

Kris: To meet Dave? No one needs a wax...
***************************************
Ivy: Who would've thought Gabe and I wear the same dress size?
***********************************************************
Kris: Yes, you may get a piercing. Thanks for asking. Keep it very clean, that's no place to get an infection.
************************************************************************************
Kris: No B-lo. Jo-jo go to Ho(spital). inducing tonight or tomorrow. Who knows? My sink is backed up up and my monkey is missing an arm.
************************************************************************************
Siobhan: Roses are red, glass is clear. Congratulations, so was your pap smear!
Olivia: Daisies are yellow, so is your pee. Dr. Oppenlander's office already called me!
**************************************************************************************
Siobhan to Ivy: Please look up whether Katey Segal and Bob Saget are related. Also, Carlos Santana's wife's name and respective ages.
Ivy: I can find no relation between Katey Segal and Bob Saget.
Siobhan: Also, who is Bob Saget's sister?
Ivy: He had two - one that had an aneurysm named Andrea and another named Gay that died of some disease.
Siobhan: Who is Katey Segal's husband? Who is Bob Saget's wife?
Ivy: Saget was married to Sherri Kramer. Segal is married to Kurt Sutter. I'm not sure why all this is relevant?
Siobhan: Okay, sorry but we still need to know Carlos Santa is married to. How old is she? And is Ke$ha dating Drew Carey?
Ivy: Carlos Santa married a drummer named Cindy Blackman. She's 51. And I don't think Ke$ha is dating Drew Carey. What is all this about?
Siobhan: Wait, one more thing - is her real name Katey Segal? Was she ever married to Charles Kuralt?
Ivy:Her name is Catherine Segal. And she was never married to Charles Kuralt.
Siobhan: Okay, we need to know the names of all he exes. Thank you.
Ivy: Her first married to bass player Freddie Blackmeyer, ending in divorce after three years. A second to Jack White, who was involved int he "Might Ducks" hockey film series as both actor and advisor, also ended in divorce. she has two children from her second marriage, Sarah and Jackson.
Siobhan: Thanks. And Mr. Saget?
Ivy: Only the one time for Saget as far as I can tell
Siobhan: Wait, where does Kesha fit into all of this?
Ivy: I have no idea. You're the one steering the conversation.
Ivy: Are you guys high?
********************************************************************************
Siobhan: Please look up whether Katey Segal and Bob Saget are related.
Eric: When I typed in their names + related, Google asked "did you mean - Am I high?"
*********************************************************************************

That's it for 2010. Only took me five months to update! I will try to be better about updating Big Sandy Bottom this year. Of course, I say that every year and I never do, so....

Strange Days Indeed - Weekly Update June 14, 2010

(Ahem. Well, I still refer to this as a “weekly update” even though I haven’t posted here in about 75 weeks or so…)

Ah, the banks of Big Sandy Bottom are dried up. No sign of life anywhere. It is time to Save Big Sandy Bottom! This year's slogan:

Big Sandy Bottom: Back Again in 2010!
Intensive restoration plans are in place and hopefully within the year, it will be its old lively self again.

Believe it or not, I am almost finished with the Best of Big Sandy Bottom 2009, which I know you all have been clamoring for.

In the meantime, this week I am pondering the following:

What exactly is meant by “Heirloom Quality Sleep Wear?”

I purchased a nice cotton nightgown yesterday. It wasn’t outrageously expensive, as I got it as Nordstrom Rack, marked down to 30 bucks. And it’s nice. But not fancy or anything. Plain white cotton.

And I noticed that the tag on this garment says “Heirloom Quality Sleep Wear.” WTF? Like, I’m going to leave my daughters my nightgown when I die? Haha, that would be awesome though. Can you imagine the look on Olivia’s face?

Lawyer: Okay, well I see here that Ivy gets the wedding ring and the Amesport Condo.
Olivia: Hey, what about me?
Lawyer: Hmm, I don’t see anything…oh, wait here we go – ‘I leave Olivia my heirloom quality sleep wear.”
Olivia: Hey, I didn't ask for that!
Ivy: Oh, it's just what I always wanted!

Weekly Update February 24, 2009 - Goldilocks and the Lebanese Hamsters

Time for a good, old-fashioned Big Sandy Bottom Update. I don't have any exciting news to report, but it's been a long time and I'm going to try to get back in the habit of writing something every week, whether it's interesting or not!

Ivy is almost through with her run as Annie Sullivan in "The Miracle Worker." She is absolutely terrific in the show and we are very proud of her. Years ago, she had a list of "dream roles" that she wanted to play someday and she's hit three of them now: Eponine in "Les Mis", Abigal in "The Crucible", and now Annie Sullivan. Ivy is an awesome stud.

Olivia came home for the President's Day weekend, and we had a great time hanging out with her. We went to Benihana for Eric's birthday, with the Krows, which is always great fun.

Last night, Eric and I had dinner at Therese's house. She always has the most interesting guests. Our dining companions included a local architect, a rugged New Zealander, and my favorite crazy artist, Arabella. Arabella pretty much dominated the evening - this is a woman who can talk intelligently about the national debt, JFK, Cuba plus the DNA of Lebanese hamsters.

Otherwise, I am still holding up here at the old City of HMB. Lay-offs are coming soon, but everything is being kept very hush-hush so I don't know exactly when, or who, will be going. It's been very stressful on everyone here - I think the hardest part is not knowing. Anxiety levels are high, people are on edge, productivity is practically non-existent. I've calmed down a bit about the whole thing (just a bit) but my sleeping problems continue and I'm sure there's a correlation there. Every night I end up wandering about the house, moving from one bedroom to another, just like Goldilocks. This bed is a little too hard. This bed is a little too soft. This room is a little too loud, this room too cold. On the good nights, I'll get 4-5 hours of sleep, but not in a row because I'm constantly waking up and changing locations. Sleeping has always been an issue for me, but I hope that once the work situation is resolved one way or other, my mind will calm somewhat and I can feel rested again!

So that's all I can think of for this week's update. I know times are tough all over, so I hope everyone is doing okay.

Big Sandy Bottom Best of 2008

Well, 2008 was a year, alright. If change was the theme of this country, it was also the theme of Big Sandy Bottom.

At the end of 2007, Eric and I set out a series of goals to accomplish in 2008. And I'll be damned if we didn't hit every one of them. (Remind me to never again do this. My goal in 2009-accomplish nothing-except embrace calm. Okay, and maybe keep my job.)

Some of the goals were ones we would have to accomplish ourselves (buy a house, outlast my insane boss, get my mom moved here to HMB) and others (get Ivy graduated from college, get Olivia INTO a college) required the help of our wonderful, fabulous daughters.

By December 16, when the Sea Hag announced she would go torment another city for awhile, the list was complete. Ivy-done with college. Olivia-done with high school and off to college. My mom moved here in June (although we still haven't finished unpacking.) We bought our little condo in September. If it weren't for the fact that the economy has gone to hell, and my little town is quietly circling the drain, I'd be looking forward to 2009 a great deal. Eric and I have decided the theme for 2009 will be "Return to Normalcy."

So, allow me to congratulate my fellow denizens of Big Sandy Bottom, and I raise my glass in salute to my fellow "B-team" co-workers. We did it! I don't know how, but we did it! Outwit, outlast, outplay baby!

And now, without further ado, we proudly present:

The Big Sandy Bottom Best of 2008

Best Man Crush: Eric + Obama=2gether4ever
Eric gets positively giddy whenever he sees Barack Obama. It's pretty cute, actually..."That's my President" he sighs with a silly smile on his face.

Catch Phrases of the Year
"And then we killed a kitten with a hammer..." "Helloooo...I am your neighbor!"

Best Hot Tub Adventure
Who knew Kris and Emma were secretly wanting to be on "Girls Gone Wild"...

Best Books
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, by David Wroblewski . My favorite book of the year, and a strong contender for my all-time favorites list. Take Oprah's advice though (never thought I'd say THAT)-don't read the jacket description, it contains a major spoiler. It's still a great read, but I really wish someone had told me not to read the jacket...
Beautiful Boy, by David Sheff/Tweak by Nic Sheff. Disturbing and heartbreaking books, written by a father (David) and son (Nic) about Nic's crystal meth addiction. As a parent, I identified more with Beautiful Boy. Tweak is a like a train wreck-can't look away even though you're horrified by the carnage.
The Omnivores Dilemma, Michael Pollan. Inspired in me (albeit briefly) an obsessive fear of corn and corn-related products. I love the general theme of this book - Eat Food, not too much, mostly plants. If I could only follow this simple motto, I'd be a lot healthier.

Best Music
Shane Nicholson and Kasey Chambers, "Rattling Bones." I've been a fan of Shane Nicholson for several years, but didn't know about Kasey Chambers. Amazing music from this husband and wife team...Check it out.
Conor Oberst, "Conor Oberst." A late entry to my favorite list, Olivia introduced me to this great album in December. "I don't wanna die (in the hospital)" is my favorite, but I couldn't tell you why. "Sausalito" is a terrific song, too.
Glen Hansard and MarkitaIrglova, Music from the movie "Once." I know this wasn't released in 2008, but I listened to it the whole frickin' year, so it counts. Okay? Especially good when I had my month-long bout with insomnia...this is great music to listen to at 3:30 a.m. and you just want to cry because you're so tired and your brain just won't shut up. Very soothing.

Best Television

Most of the television I watched this year was total crap. One notable exception - "The Wire." My new, most favorite tv show ever... I could watch this show forever, especially when it featured Stringer Bell and Omar...I freakin' love Omar! I'm also pretty fond of "Dexter", one of the few adaptations of a book that is worthy. Michael C. Hall is absolutely terrific in the show as a strangely endearing serial killer.

Best Movies

Not a great year for film, really. Eric and I were just talking about this yesterday - I guess our favorite was"Wall-E", for the first 45 minutes of it anyway. "The Dark Knight" was cool, mostly for Heath Ledger. "Frost/Nixon" was pretty good-and I think that Michael Sheen is a criminally underrated actor. Guilty pleasure movie - "Tropic Thunder".

Best Major Award
Two electric scooters. They're still sitting in the garage, because we don't know what to do with them. But I guess they're pretty cool...

Best Cat
Tough category this year...Should we go with poor Jermaine, left to live with Ivy when we moved to Amesport? Stubby is always the sentimental favorite, but he's a past winner so that's hardly fair. Forrest, for just simply hanging in there? (Everytime he limps downstairs, Eric yells "Dead Cat Walking!") Dishes -she nearly won us a trip to New York in the Purina Happy Bellies Feline photo contest. (Thanks for your votes!) Koko doesn't really do much of anything but sleep and whine. Dempsey's only redeeming quality is that he worships me.

Sadly, this year we are giving our first posthumous award for Best Cat to Corky. That's his butt right up there at the top of the page. Corky was taken ill very suddenly at the end of the year, with an acute liver problem (ever seen a cat with jaundice? Yellow gums-eww) and we had him put to sleep. Poor Corky, the autistic cat. We got him when he weighed one ounce, his eyes were still closed and his ears hadn't sprung out from his head yet. After weeks of bottle-feeding him around the clock and cleaning his butt with a washcloth when he pooped (something his mother would normally with her tongue but obviously we weren't going to do that), he turned into a boisterous big jerk of a cat. He was an asshole, nobody misses him but by the simple act of dying, he wins.

Best Website:

stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. This site cracks me up, and also confirmed for me that Olivia is the whitest girl around. Northface jacket-check. Ugly sweater party - attended at least one. Sea salt-received several bottles as gifts this year. Pea coat? She had one in 5th grade. (And has one now.) Typos on menus? Try going out to dinner with her sometime...This is one seriously white girl.

So that's it for 2008. Sorry for the delay in compiling the list. I've had a bit of writers block. Please post your own "Best of" lists...you guys always come up with great stuff that I've forgotten.

Prevent Unwanted Presidencies!

Title compliments of Secretary of State Debra Bowen, who was the speaker at our conference today. She says someone gave her a bumper sticker with that slogan (tagline underneath it : make every election tally a hand job)...


So greetings from the happiest place on earth. Thus far in my trip I have seen/heard/experienced the following:

• A fellow city clerk entirely too into christmas. This lady was wearing a hideous christmas sweater, on top of a turtleneck covered with candy canes; a light-up Rudolph necklace, tree bulb earrings and a Santa hat! At a conference! I guess someone must've told her it was a bit too much, because today she toned it down and replaced the santa hat with a giant red christmas bow in her hair. And some jingle bells on her shoes.


• I observed an interaction between two women that culminated in one of the women's husband shouting "Bitch, we're here to have a good time so shut your fucking mouth!"
  

And a zippity-do-dah to you too, sir.

I felt really sorry for the woman who was being yelled at, until she berated a young man with Down's Syndrome for not getting on the train in a speedy fashion.

• I rode on the Storybook Boats with a seeing-eye poodle. This dog was totally cool, and may be the only creature on the planet who enjoys that ride as much as I do. (There is some truth to the rumor that I plan to buy an estate with enough acreage to build my own Storybook Boat canal. According to the ride operator, 3 acres should be about right.)

• Eric and I saw just the cutest...well you couldn't really call them a couple since there were three of them...let's just go with the cutest little group of bigamists ever. I don't actually know if they were married, though. Well, anyway, it was a guy who looked just like Dog the Bounty hunter, except his hair was in a long skinny braid. And he had two wives. Or girlfriends. Or hookers, I don't know. Two women, one of whom bore a slight resemblance to the mother on the "Patridge Family," were all over this guy. You couldn't keep track of whose hands were in whose pants. It was really quite gross, all this during the Christmas fireworks show.

So it was a really nice trip. Eric and I had a great time sitting in the lobby of the Grand Californian each night, watching Santa (I swear it was the real Santa) talk to all the little kids. Just really frickin' adorable, it was.

I love Disneyland!

Grand Pappy told my Pappy....

At work today, I was listening to random songs on my itunes. God, I love music. Anyway, there's a couple of songs on there that make me so happy and I'm afraid they are some of the worst songs ever made.

I'm kind of embarassed to admit it, but one of my favorite songs EVER is "Hazard" by Richard Marx. I know! It's totally not cool, but I could listen to this song a million times. And how about this one-even more embarassing - "Waiting for a Star to Fall", by a group that I don't think I've ever heard another song by - Boy Meets Girl.

There's also a couple that totally don't fit in with any genre I'm normally drawn to. I can't believe I'm putting this out there for the world to see, but I know every word to "Beer for my Horses" by (gak) Toby Keith and Willie Nelson. At least Willie is cool...And I have a weird fondness for Jay-Z's version of "Hard Knock Life" (although that just may be the theatre geek in me).

Some other songs on my playlist that don't exactly have street cred:

• Just Another Day Without You - Jon Secada
• Mmm Bop - Hanson
• C'Mon C'Mon - Ben Jelen
• And we Danced - The Hooters
• Runaway Train - Soul Asylum
• Spice up your life - Spice Girls (! Slam it to the left! Shake it to the right!

What about you? Are there any songs that you have an inexplicable fondness for? I'd love to know that I'm not the only dork who turns the radio up REALLY loud when Jakcson Browne and Clarence Clemons start singing "You're a Friend of Mine".

Les Mis and Obama

Came to me via Ivy. This is so cool for those of us who are both Obama and Les Mis Fans!